10 'Magic Mike XXL' Dances Ranked By How Horny They'll Make You

Let's be real: We'd take this over 'Fifty Shades' any time.
by Eliza Thompson
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10. Kevin Nash making a glitter portrait to "The Toreador Song." 

Kevin Nash is hot in a super muscle-bound kind of way—that much is true. But this routine? He's not really dancing, he's barely stripping, and the climax is him flinging glitter on a line drawing like some kind of sexed-up preschooler. Somebody call Dallas, because Tarzan clearly needs a little more tutoring.

9. Joe Manganiello's one-man minimart show.

Infinite points awarded for making something sexy happen in a convenience store, but points deducted for (1) still being in a convenience store and (2) being a lot more goofy than sexy. No one could ever be mad at Joe Manganiello pouring water on himself, but you have to admit that Cheeto dust is just not an aphrodisiac.

8. Matt Bomer singing "Untitled (How Does It Feel)" by D'Angelo. 

As delightful and hot as Matt Bomer is, he's no D'Angelo in the "Untitled" video. No mere mortal is, of course, but it's still hard not to think about him while watching this—you're looking at Ken but dreaming of D'Angelo. It's bait-and-switch horniness, and that is unacceptable.

7. Michael Strahan miming sex on top of a woman. 
It's not that Michael Strahan isn't gorgeous, because he is. This, however, is too much. Those gold lamé hot shorts make him look like he's about to compete in a 1980s weightlifting competition. As far as the dancing goes, it's so close to being sex without actually being sex that it just seems cruel. It's like he'strying to give you blue balls.

6. Adam Rodriguez covering himself and you in whipped cream. 
Some people like mixing food with sex and apparently Tito is one of those people. Maybe you are too, and if so, good for you. 

5. Channing Tatum groveling for Rome at Domina.
Like most dances Channing Tatum does, this one is extremely hot, but the fact that his main objective here is to impress Jada Pinkett Smith so she'll let him borrow a car makes it slightly less appealing. This should be about you, not her! You're a queen, remember? 

4. Channing Tatum's gymnastic, power tools-assisted "Pony" update.


This dance was showcased in the first teaser for a reason. It is glorious; it is athletic; it is perfection. Mike is sweaty and he is welding. There are literal sparks flying. If movie tickets didn't cost $1 million, you would leave the theater right after this happens and go have sex with someone immediately, the other 100 minutes of the movie be damned.

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3. tWitch showing the Xquisite men how it's done at Domina. 
As a newcomer to the Magic Mike franchise, tWitch knew he had to come out of the gate with a legendary routine, and he delivered. He makes a good case for personal fans being included with the price of admission. Let's all make a pact now to rise up in fury if Ellen doesn't start letting him dance on her show at least once a week.

2. Channing Tatum and tWitch teaming up for 112's "Anywhere." 


I think 112 said it best: "Girl you know / I like it slow / And I know you like it too, baby / Please don't stop, I feel it now / You feel it too/You're shivering / Ooo, you put me close to you/Just let it flow / There's no other place to go."

1. Joe Manganiello. Nine Inch Nails. Sex swing. 


Guhhhhhhh. Hnghhhh. Wuhhhh. Sorry, momentarily lost the ability to language. For speak? Forget it.

RELATED:

3 Questions For 3 'Magic Mike XXL' Hunks

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors. 

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