Going Through A Breakup? Here's A Big Step Toward Healing
There are a lot of ways we can move on from our pain. Try a soothing, enlightening way of doing so.
Posted on October 4, 2009 12:00 am
Photo: Bong Pestanas and Carolyn Tongco
Posted on October 4, 2009 12:00 am
Photo: Bong Pestanas and Carolyn Tongco
Disclaimer: I wasn’t going through a breakup when I decided to embark on an experience that would probably—hopefully—change my life for the better. I joined On Fire because I wanted to figure out how to make my relationships work…because of late, they have all turned out so wrong (well, at least the supposedly romantic ones).
On Fire is not your usual retreat, so don’t be quick to dismiss this post with “Ay, retreat lang pala, akala ko naman kung ano na.” If you’re going through a breakup or any form of heartbreak, and somebody advised you to go on retreat and you scoffed at them because you think it won’t help, well, trust me, the On Fire weekend will.
Fooling around during break with my fellow On Fire participants (I'm the one holding a cup)
From the onset, it seems like your usual retreat: it began and ended with a celebration of the Holy Mass. There were several modules--all of them talking about love, pain, sexuality, self-preservation, moving on and bouncing back, commitment, and the integration of these experiences. We had opportunities to share, and times to just listen to the people sharing.
And here's the thing about On Fire: We were made to take a closer look at our relationships, at how we are IN one, and how we perceive one. We were made to realize the polar extremes of relationships--unbridled urges and rigid self-denial; the desire to connect and to separate; being a victim and embracing one's wounds; among other things--and how to strike a balance. We were encouraged to listen to our thoughts and reflect on our lives and relationships; REALLY meditate on them--something a lot of us don't do anymore. Which is probably why we go on with our very hectic lives bringing all our baggages, never reflecting and healing, just carrying on, not knowing we commit the same mistakes.
That is what I came to On Fire weekend to do: to heal, take a step back, figure my life out, and hopefully, find myself knowing how to make my next relationship work this time. And you know what? I had a different “AHA!” moment from what I expected to have (which is figuring out how to make relationships work). It wasn’t even something new; it was something I already knew all along—or at least something my colleagues at Cosmo insist I should do but I never could accept. I won’t preempt your own experience (should you decide to go through On Fire) by telling you what it was. As Cosmo Chief Zo texted me prior to the retreat, “I think what you’ll figure out in this retreat, you actually already know…you just need prodding to bring the knowledge to the surface.” And in that regard, the retreat helped; it REALLY did.
Managing to project for a photo-op during one of the sessions.
If you don’t believe me (since you’re probably thinking, But you weren’t going through a breakup anyway), then get this: I had fellow On Fire participants who were trying to move on from a breakup of a seven-year or nine-year relationship, or a 17-year marriage—which probably explains why I really couldn’t bring myself to feel so bad about my love life or be in such a hurry to enter into a relationship again so soon after their sharing. I witnessed these people looking all broken and depressed coming into the retreat, and leaving with open, smiling, and hopeful faces even amidst typhoon Ondoy (which hit that weekend).
But don’t expect you’ll be completely whole and all right again after that weekend retreat in cool Tagaytay, at the beautiful respite called The KARIS. Many times before, during, and after my On Fire weekend last September 25-27, I was tested—my resolve was tested—several times. Nothing short of an “ex” texting me to say he regrets letting me go and receiving text messages from a man who relentlessly confuses me with his I'm-sure-of-this-but-now-I-want-space brand of indecisiveness.
I don’t want to claim all of us left the retreat healed. But I think all of us were able to put our pain in the right perspective, if that somehow makes sense to you. Through prayerful solitude and enlightening talks and sharing, we are better able to understand our pain, regain the strength and resolve to plod on in the face of challenges, and hopefully figure out how to allow ourselves to heal. As one of my fellow participants wrote in our On Fire Facebook album, "The greatest people in the world are those who continue to love, despite all their scars."
On Fire Batch 17 With Fr. Ted Gonzales, SJ (back row, second from left)
Another important thing: we gained more friends—perfect strangers at first—to take this journey toward healing and hopefully finding true love again with us. So many of them, in spite of their brokenness, are still ever-so-willing to listen to you, to just be there for you. And to me right now, that’s the only thing that matters. Nobody said you should endure your heartache alone.
But don’t take my word for it; you have to experience it yourself. If you’re interested to have an On Fire experience, there’s another one on November 13-15, 2009, 4PM Friday to 4PM Sunday, in THE KARIS, St. Michael Road, Iruhin,Tagaytay City. For inquiries on that retreat, you may contact Hans (0917-8384267) or email onfire.secretariat@gmail.com. If you can't on those days, you can join the succeeding retreats, as they have one every quarter. You may get in touch with Lito (0917-8159284) or Mona (0917-8344924) for inquiries and more details. I hope to see some of you, dear Cosmo readers, there, as I intend to serve during the retreat—to lend an ear and be more than willing to accompany you as we journey toward healing together.
P.S. If you’re one of those who are worried about being required to share, don’t fret—no one will force you to share more than you are wiling to.
On Fire is not your usual retreat, so don’t be quick to dismiss this post with “Ay, retreat lang pala, akala ko naman kung ano na.” If you’re going through a breakup or any form of heartbreak, and somebody advised you to go on retreat and you scoffed at them because you think it won’t help, well, trust me, the On Fire weekend will.
Fooling around during break with my fellow On Fire participants (I'm the one holding a cup)
From the onset, it seems like your usual retreat: it began and ended with a celebration of the Holy Mass. There were several modules--all of them talking about love, pain, sexuality, self-preservation, moving on and bouncing back, commitment, and the integration of these experiences. We had opportunities to share, and times to just listen to the people sharing.
And here's the thing about On Fire: We were made to take a closer look at our relationships, at how we are IN one, and how we perceive one. We were made to realize the polar extremes of relationships--unbridled urges and rigid self-denial; the desire to connect and to separate; being a victim and embracing one's wounds; among other things--and how to strike a balance. We were encouraged to listen to our thoughts and reflect on our lives and relationships; REALLY meditate on them--something a lot of us don't do anymore. Which is probably why we go on with our very hectic lives bringing all our baggages, never reflecting and healing, just carrying on, not knowing we commit the same mistakes.
That is what I came to On Fire weekend to do: to heal, take a step back, figure my life out, and hopefully, find myself knowing how to make my next relationship work this time. And you know what? I had a different “AHA!” moment from what I expected to have (which is figuring out how to make relationships work). It wasn’t even something new; it was something I already knew all along—or at least something my colleagues at Cosmo insist I should do but I never could accept. I won’t preempt your own experience (should you decide to go through On Fire) by telling you what it was. As Cosmo Chief Zo texted me prior to the retreat, “I think what you’ll figure out in this retreat, you actually already know…you just need prodding to bring the knowledge to the surface.” And in that regard, the retreat helped; it REALLY did.
Managing to project for a photo-op during one of the sessions.
If you don’t believe me (since you’re probably thinking, But you weren’t going through a breakup anyway), then get this: I had fellow On Fire participants who were trying to move on from a breakup of a seven-year or nine-year relationship, or a 17-year marriage—which probably explains why I really couldn’t bring myself to feel so bad about my love life or be in such a hurry to enter into a relationship again so soon after their sharing. I witnessed these people looking all broken and depressed coming into the retreat, and leaving with open, smiling, and hopeful faces even amidst typhoon Ondoy (which hit that weekend).
But don’t expect you’ll be completely whole and all right again after that weekend retreat in cool Tagaytay, at the beautiful respite called The KARIS. Many times before, during, and after my On Fire weekend last September 25-27, I was tested—my resolve was tested—several times. Nothing short of an “ex” texting me to say he regrets letting me go and receiving text messages from a man who relentlessly confuses me with his I'm-sure-of-this-but-now-I-want-space brand of indecisiveness.
I don’t want to claim all of us left the retreat healed. But I think all of us were able to put our pain in the right perspective, if that somehow makes sense to you. Through prayerful solitude and enlightening talks and sharing, we are better able to understand our pain, regain the strength and resolve to plod on in the face of challenges, and hopefully figure out how to allow ourselves to heal. As one of my fellow participants wrote in our On Fire Facebook album, "The greatest people in the world are those who continue to love, despite all their scars."
On Fire Batch 17 With Fr. Ted Gonzales, SJ (back row, second from left)
Another important thing: we gained more friends—perfect strangers at first—to take this journey toward healing and hopefully finding true love again with us. So many of them, in spite of their brokenness, are still ever-so-willing to listen to you, to just be there for you. And to me right now, that’s the only thing that matters. Nobody said you should endure your heartache alone.
But don’t take my word for it; you have to experience it yourself. If you’re interested to have an On Fire experience, there’s another one on November 13-15, 2009, 4PM Friday to 4PM Sunday, in THE KARIS, St. Michael Road, Iruhin,Tagaytay City. For inquiries on that retreat, you may contact Hans (0917-8384267) or email onfire.secretariat@gmail.com. If you can't on those days, you can join the succeeding retreats, as they have one every quarter. You may get in touch with Lito (0917-8159284) or Mona (0917-8344924) for inquiries and more details. I hope to see some of you, dear Cosmo readers, there, as I intend to serve during the retreat—to lend an ear and be more than willing to accompany you as we journey toward healing together.
P.S. If you’re one of those who are worried about being required to share, don’t fret—no one will force you to share more than you are wiling to.
Tags: love,relationships,pain,moving on,break up,breakup,breakup,healing,retreat,heartache
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