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Stages of a Breakup, By Age

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AGE 13-14
He was my first love! My first kiss! He said we’ll be together forever until I start getting really old and wrinkly. *bawls*

AGE 15-16
I still believe in true love. I still believe in true love. I still believe in true love. *bawls*

AGE 17-19
He cheated on me for that bitch? What a jerk! After I did all his math assignments and philo papers, he leaves me for a dumb cheerleader! I am NEVER dating a jock again! 

AGE 20-24
Finally, freedom! I freakin' hate his fashion sense/laugh/smelly feet/[insert superficial thing here]. Time to level up, girl! [Insert guy's name] is SO last month.  

AGE 25 -28
We were talking about marriage! And kids! I already had a Pinterest board for my dream wedding! Why does it have to be so complicated? How the hell am I going to announce this on Facebook?! Okay, I think I'm deleting my account instead. That seems easier. Right? 

AGE 29-30
It’s time I started going out with real men. I need to settle down soon. Do you have any idea how old my ovaries are?! Shit, I don't even want kids! Why am I thinking about kids? See what you're doing to me?

AGE 31 above
The next relationship better be my last or I’m doomed.