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Whenever my mind wanders, it isn't only Matt that I think of. You see, there are also times when I wonder what would happen if Sam were still alive. What if he suddenly walked into the coffee shop, ordered brewed coffee (short, despite his rants about the price of coffee at this place), and sat in front of me just like old times?

What would I say? Where would I begin? There are just so many things I wasn't able to say to him before. Sometimes I wonder: What if Sam and I never met? Maybe a lot of people would be spared the hurt our epic friendship had caused. What if he suddenly walked right past, went to the table across from me, and yet never even knew me?

When I really think about it, I feel like I'm still in love with old memories--fragments of a glorious, magical past I can't let go of, even if I said I have over and over again. Sometimes, I feel that these old emotions hinder me from letting Logan fill in all the magic I had lost over the years because I'm still holding on to pixie dust from a long lost time.

Until I feel that I'm ready to outgrow that bright-eyed 22-year-old girl and all her magic, I don't think I'll ever be content. You see, sometimes I feel that nothing could ever out-magic how I felt during those years when my life revolved around Matt and Sam. A part of me glorifies that time and, as a result, I sometimes don't think I can ever experience greater things than that.

It pains me to think that I already had the best time of my life and that I'll never find contentment in my present and future. I realized now that I've been nagging Logan for the kind of contentment he could never give me. Why, you ask? Because there's only one person in the world who can ever give me the contentment and closure that I've been needing for a long time now.

Just one.

One woman.

Myself.

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