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Love & Lust > Bedroom Blog by Veronica

Sam's Final October

Posted on June 16, 2010 12:00 am by Veronica

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I never knew how I made it to the church in Green Meadows that day, but I remember staring at the droplets of rain on the car window as my parents drove me there. My parents knew how much Sam meant to me, and during the silent ride to the church, I found comfort.

I remember seeing Franco, Charlie, and Chi waiting by the church's big doors. I remember feeling Franco's hand under my elbow, supporting me as we made our way to where Kit, Carl, and Nino were seated.

I remember the huge dome that shielded us from the October rain. I remember seeing unfamiliar faces as they passed by me, silently talking about the man I knew so well. I remember the white flowers by the altar, the distinct smell of incense, the soft lights, the sound of footsteps, and the huge portrait of someone that was very dear to me.

I remember the urn.

I remember everything.

I remember seeing Ellen for the first time. I remember how her soft voice cracked the first time she talked to me. I also remember being silent and hearing Chi tell Ellen that I was in a state of shock. I remember how my friends tried to talk me out of my reverie. And I remember how, one by one, they decided to leave me alone when it was obvious that I didn't want to talk.

That was the first day.

It was a three-day wake and I didn't miss a single one.

On the third and final night, I saw a familiar face--a face I had seen so many times. Ana. She was seated beside her fellow teachers somewhere in the fifth pew. Our eyes locked for a while and I was stunned to see that the same grief was reflected in her eyes. She looked like the same Ana I knew, but somehow, it felt different. When my friends left my side to get some coffee, Ana sat beside me for a while.

"Veronica," she started.

"Ana."

"I'm really sorry..."

"Siya ba 'yung pinalit mo kay Sam?" I asked, cocking my head in the direction of the guy she was with.

"Excuse me?" Ana asked, clearly taken aback.

"Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about!" I hissed.

"Wait lang," Ana said hurriedly, cutting me off mid-sentence. "What are you talking about?"

"You cheated on Sam again, didn't you?"

"What?!" Ana asked loudly and everyone looked in our direction for a few seconds before going back to their own quieter conversations.

"Don't you dare lie!" I threatened.

"Is that what Sam told you?" Ana asked silently, her voice trailing off. After a while she continued, "It was Sam who broke up with me, almost four months after he went to America. He told me he found someone else and I actually thought it was you until..."

"Until what?"

"Until I read Ellen's e-mail two days ago," Ana continued. "That was when I understood why he let Nino go, why he sold the restaurant, and why he went to the States and...and why he chose not to let us know, especially you."

And that was how the pieces came together—Sam's trip, his request that I should not go after Ana, where he was when I was so depressed over Matt, and why he told me to take care of my heart.

That was when I realized that Sam was saying goodbye.

I remember feeling Ana's surprisingly warm embrace. I remember feeling lightheaded, scared, angry, terrified, and weak all at the same time. I remember coming undone.

I remember hearing short anecdotes about Sam's childhood from his family and friends. I remember Kit and Carl telling the story of how Sam saved me from drowning that time in Dagupan. I remember Nino sharing the story of how they re-painted my room two days before I went to live with Sam. I remember seeing every head turn to look at me that moment.

And when it was my turn to say a few words about the friend I had lost so many times, I remember telling them about three-cheese omelets, brewed coffee, Revel bars, red wine, a partly burnt bed sheet, beef stroganoff, and French Fries with ice cream and chocolate syrup.

I remember seeing the quizzical looks from almost everyone in the church, but I went on. These were the things that only the two of us could understand, I thought.

When I looked at what was left of the friend I had loved so dearly, I remember hearing myself saying these words:

"I want you to remember me, Sam. Because if you do, I don't care if everybody else forgets."

But I was the one left to remember.

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Tags: wake,friendship,funeral,death,veronica,Sam

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