Print Email

I realized that the reason I couldn't feel Logan under my skin is that my love for him is different. My love for him is unlike my love for Matt. Or for Sam.

My love for Matt leaned more toward the physical--the now, the moment. And because it's focused on the present, I often fail to see what being with him in a long-term relationship would be like. Maybe it would be more frustrating and unlike anything I had ever imagined.

It's like when you're watching a movie and the characters try to get past obstacles before finally being together-together. Then the movie ends and the last image you see is the couple walking off into the sunset. But what happens when night comes? What happens the morning after? What happens after the first four months? I have no idea what those things would be like if I ended up with Matt. We are both so complicated, we would probably end up more messed up than we already are.

My love for Sam is of a different kind. It was pure love for a friend I once had. That love had never been like my affection for Matt. In fact, my love for Sam weighed so much more. When I found out his lesbian girlfriend cheated on him, I acted as if I was the one who was wronged, and from where I stand now, I realize that I went overboard being the overprotective friend. But that love was always there.

Sam was like all the friends I have now combined. He was tough like Charlie. He was gorgeous like Franco. He was full of wisdom like Chi. He was caring and protective like Gail and Nicia. He was sweet like Lily. And, I only realize now, he was supportive and steady like Logan. Yes, Sam was like all the friends and boyfriend I have now combined. And now that I'm surrounded by these people, I can finally lay Sam's memory to rest.

My love for Logan, I guess, can never be explained. Like your love for your parents, I guess. I could never fully explain how exactly I feel for him, except to say that the love I have for him can be sometimes funny and frustrating--the kind that makes my blood curdle and tingle. But if there's one adjective I can affix to that love, it would be "constant."

It's always there, just beneath the surface of every frustration I get when he's not what I want him to be--I mean, when he's not romantic, or when he's trying to be but always fails. Yes, we can never really have it all, can we? But there are times when I do feel that I have it all because in the grander scheme of things, I'd always choose to be with the one who makes me laugh rather than the one who makes me feel alive but will eventually kill me through emotional pain.

Sam used to make me laugh, and whenever I was down, he was the one who picked me up. So even if I never really thought of him in a romantic way and that friendship never turned into something more, between Matt and Sam, I guess I would have eventually chosen Sam because he was light. I'm not comparing Sam to Logan, but the former did make me see what I really need in a relationship: a rock that would keep me steady during times when I feel like swaying.

And that's what I found in Logan: someone secure, someone driven, and someone who can keep up and run as wild as I do. Because, seriously, with all the men I've dated, I see now I've no time to spare for nurturing an insecure ego. They're just too much work. Don't you just hate men who need women to nurse their egos? With Logan, I never have that kind of problem. And for that, I'm grateful, because it allows me to focus on areas of my life that need improvement. My career, for instance. This kind of freedom and security allowed me to snag my dream job. But, that's for later.

When I attended weddings in the past, I used to not understand why couples kept yapping about marrying their best friends. I've always thought that was gross. Before, I never really understood just how one guy could be both your friend and your lover because, God knows, there are issues that he'd better not know about. Like past lovers.

It was only when Logan gave me that "me" time that I understood it. It was only when I ranted to him about Nicia that I finally realized how it felt. The best kind of relationship is the one where you can be your most honest self, because those kilig moments will soon come to pass. And if you started with a fake face and a fake personality, my golly, you'll have to keep that standard for the rest of your life.

It's only now that I understand it. Because now, I'm with someone who is both my lover and my best friend.

I know now that I was the one who had a lot of shortcomings, and if I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to Logan, I will do it with all my heart.

Print | Email

Related Blog Entries

• Epilogue: Lessons Learned From Bedroom Blog By Veronica
• There's A Fine, Fine Line...Take Two
• Admitting To Loving Matt
• The Things We Give Up
• Clueless

x

Friend's Email:
Message: (optional)
Your Name:
Your Email:

Follow
us on:

  

POPULAR IN LOVE & LUST

Join thousands of subscribers enjoying our fab weekly Wednesday sendouts, and get EXCLUSIVE celeb news, tips, and promos right in your inbox.