Telling Him...Finally

Posted on January 8, 2010 10:00 am by Veronica

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One morning, I woke up scared and sweating. I dreamt of Matt. He died and then I went to his wake at our school publication's office. There were so many familiar faces there—faces I've seen a dozen times in his group photos. Some of his friends painted portraits of him and mounted them on the walls around the room.

I was with a friend in that dream. I didn't get to see his face, though, but I remember that the person I was with had rough hands and the delicate scent of wood fire.

In the middle of walking around the place filled with people talking about Matt in past tense, my knees buckled and I fell on the wooden floor. I broke down and cried my lungs out, not only because Matt was dead, but because I failed to tell him the things I wanted to say.

Then I woke up.

I told myself that I'd tell him everything next week, just a few days before his birthday, but with the nightmare I had just experienced and the nagging feeling that I was running out of time, I decided to send him a message after breakfast.

I sent him an e-mail:

Hey, Matt!

It's been a while. How are you doing? Umm. I wanted to give this to you personally, but I decided to tell you now. I made this for you: [URL here]. I only have one shot, so I decided to do it with flair. 'Yun lang. Thanks, Matt...

Veronica

I went through the day as usual. It was Saturday. Aside from my usual chores, I kept myself busy with other things so I won't think too much. Around 4PM, when I checked my mail again, there was Matt's reply:

Hey, Veronica,

Read it! I honestly don't know what to say. It's touching. But Veronica, I'm a very private person. You could have sent it to me via email or written it on paper. So I'm going to ask you to PLEASE delete it because I already saved a copy of the blog on my computer. Thanks...

Matt

I felt stupid instantly. Right then and there--I read the message five times before it finally registered. It felt like it was all for nothing. It felt as if I just sent him an E-card with a nondescript message saying “hi, hello, how are you?”

It felt as if I had not written four years' worth of Joe D'Mango feelings in one blog with 21 entries. It felt as if I didn't spend the past two weeks writing my brains out till four in the morning.

It felt like it was...useless.

Photo source

Tags: blogging,blog,unrequited love,relationship,love,heartache,heartbreak,sadness,Matt,veronica,bedroom blog

52 Comments

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• 
  ambermsolis
  52. Good job. I still think you did well. Atleast nasabi mo na.
  September 16, 2011 at 10:38 am report abuse
• 
  eieioow
  51. hi naka gigil talaga yang si matt endi pa din ako maka get over sa kanya...ganun lang reaction nia???gurl move on ka nalang...wala ng pag asa un. na stuck na xia kay STACY...grrrrrrrrrr
  May 17, 2010 at 10:11 pm report abuse
• 
  eieioow
  50. haiz nakakainiz naman yang si MATT parang napaka walang puso naman...nakakairita na xia huh...
  May 17, 2010 at 10:09 pm report abuse
• 
  lavfifth
  49. ang gara ni Matt..napaka unworhty nia V..
  May 09, 2010 at 06:03 am report abuse
• 
  lalabong
  48. V you're still lucky because you have Sam.
  March 31, 2010 at 07:15 pm report abuse
• 
  lalabong
  47. iba talaga to si Matt, user sya talaga.
  March 31, 2010 at 07:14 pm report abuse
• 
  lalabong
  46. V, I think it's expected na ganon reaction ni Matt kasi nga hindi ka nya gusto. That's sad!
  March 08, 2010 at 07:03 am report abuse
• 
  sexybebe
  45. wow Matt. kakaiba ka talaga. sarap mo kurutin using a nailcutter! grrrr.
  February 24, 2010 at 02:15 pm report abuse
• 
  milaniecandido
  44. Hey, Matt! It's been a while. How are you doing? Umm. I wanted to give this to you personally, but I decided to tell you now. I made this for you: [URL here]. I only have one shot, so I decided to do it with flair. 'Yun lang. Thanks, Matt... Veronica
  February 08, 2010 at 10:42 pm report abuse
• 
  milaniecandido
  43. Hey, Veronica, Read it! I honestly don't know what to say. It's touching. But Veronica, I'm a very private person. You could have sent it to me via email or written it on paper. So I'm going to ask you to PLEASE delete it because I already saved a copy of the blog on my computer. Thanks... Matt
  February 08, 2010 at 10:41 pm report abuse
• 
  milaniecandido
  42. woke up scared and sweating
  February 08, 2010 at 10:41 pm report abuse
• 
  handpaintedsky
  41. matt is soooooo clueless!
  February 07, 2010 at 10:19 am report abuse
• 
  shirleylim26
  40. Matt was not happy with what you've done for him. So pathetic guy!
  February 07, 2010 at 12:14 am report abuse
• 
  veronica11
  39. @anotheronelikeyou: sometimes there's a thin line between being private and being paranoid. I'm a very public person, I realize now that I can't be with someone so private.
  February 05, 2010 at 10:08 pm report abuse
• 
  prettylass8831
  38. Maybe Matt felt that Veronica was starting to behave like a stalker because of the blog.
  February 05, 2010 at 03:15 pm report abuse
• ..anotheronelikeyou
  37. sh*T!!! i'm actually sooo into ur blog because its as if i'm reading my emotions and the situation i'm in now being written by someone...OMG!!...and this bLog...i just remembered how my "matt" also told me to remove his name in my FB account because its a bit overwhelming for him how proud i am s kanya...damn!...and same reasons...he's a private person!...haaaay...
  February 05, 2010 at 05:07 am report abuse
• 
  joyfulmom
  36. what an as...le!it's ok, he's not for you.
  February 03, 2010 at 10:43 am report abuse
• 
  donnaportia
  35. I think the dream was trying to tell you that it is over with Matt. He doesn't deserve you V.
  February 02, 2010 at 10:03 pm report abuse
• 
  fishbowl84
  34. that dream was another sign.
  January 30, 2010 at 09:36 pm report abuse
• 
  miss_techylicious
  33. he'll say anything he want and he'll never care what the other person will feel.
  January 28, 2010 at 02:56 pm report abuse
• 
  shirleylim26
  32. I hate that kind of guy. I will tell him personally that " I will do anything I want to do, it's none of your business. I don't care if you don't like it!".
  January 27, 2010 at 02:58 pm report abuse
• 
  breakaway
  31. my initial reaction after reading this: He's a total J-E-R-K!!!! If i was the one who received a response like,i'll be hurt too. But yeah, everything has it's reasons why this things are happening. I just hope he has a VERY GOOD reason for shutting you out just like that. I really hate guys like that...argghhh. Sorry just got carried away :P Kasi naman V your blog is so addicting, and your avid readers gets too affected like me.hehe
  January 26, 2010 at 12:04 pm report abuse
• 
  len9
  30. i did not like the way matt told v to PLEASE delete the blog..
  January 23, 2010 at 02:49 pm report abuse
• Honey121
  29. 29. Wow! Ang tapang mo to do that V!
  January 19, 2010 at 11:15 am report abuse
• 
  vanillarush26
  28. I hate guys like him talaga V.. i can relate! guys are just like that guys are all the same.. sucks..
  January 15, 2010 at 10:08 am report abuse
• 
  jhe_1212
  27. Hay V, itold you. Get over him! He's not worth it!!!
  January 12, 2010 at 09:46 am report abuse
• 
  hazelnutzy
  26. A-hole!!!!! I hate Matt. OMG. just like the time when my ex put the engaged status at his FB and then hid it after a few days because this girl might see it. Coincidental? I dont think so. hehehe :P
  January 11, 2010 at 01:19 pm report abuse
• 
  charm1021
  25. bad matt!... hmp..
  January 11, 2010 at 07:55 am report abuse
• jhinggay19
  24. ouch! that hurts! yeah, maybe he's just not into you..
  January 10, 2010 at 05:01 pm report abuse
• 
  prettylass8831
  23. The guy just doesn't like you.
  January 10, 2010 at 10:22 am report abuse
• 
  summerinparis128
  22. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to interpret his response. Matt's response. Telling u that it's touching and saving a copy of the blog is good but asking u to PLEASE(please-in all capital letters) to delete the blog is not a good sign for me.Yeah,he's a private person,but ur using codenames right?!I can't still figure out Matt,I don't want to judge him or tell him that he's a jerk. There is always a reason for everything. I wish u find happiness V...
  January 10, 2010 at 03:19 am report abuse
• doglover
  21. you shouldn't have slept with him.. not to be a judge, but its one of the reasons why ur so attached to someone who doesnt even give you half of what you feel..
  January 09, 2010 at 09:32 pm report abuse
• vera
  20. watch "he's just no that into you"..=)
  January 09, 2010 at 07:14 pm report abuse
• yelena
  19. run...
  January 09, 2010 at 07:12 pm report abuse
• 
  fishbowl84
  18. ouch!!!
  January 09, 2010 at 05:49 pm report abuse
• 
  myles_away
  17. you already told him what's bothering you... and he reacted that way.. so be it... try not to be so affected by it, anyway we don't know yet what's gonna happen next... looking on the bright side, if he REALLY saved a copy of it, that's a good sign.
  January 09, 2010 at 10:47 am report abuse
• bebe
  16. maybe he is just a really private person... :) look at the bright side...
  January 09, 2010 at 05:10 am report abuse
• gianni
  15. he's just not that into you.
  January 08, 2010 at 11:08 pm report abuse
• 
  lady sairi
  14. tsk,tsk... does it mean he's ashamed of what you've wrote? but he didnt say anything or comment regarding the "content" of what you've just confessed.. tsk tsk
  January 08, 2010 at 10:30 pm report abuse
• inlove
  13. he might be a jerk but he deserves a benefit of d doubt... i mean, people react differently, and the worst one is the least we expect. it's our expectations from other people which disappoint us, not the person him(her)self.
  January 08, 2010 at 07:38 pm report abuse
• 
  xannebull
  12. Matt could appreciated it if you had just told it to him in person, because men are not that really into writing. They are insensitive sometimes.
  January 08, 2010 at 07:31 pm report abuse
• 
  darriane
  11. dont give up, this time tryin talking to him personally
  January 08, 2010 at 04:51 pm report abuse
• 
  shatteredframe
  10. Girls, C'mon. If Matt has the same feelings for V, he shouldn't have reacted like that whether it's e-mail or personal.
  January 08, 2010 at 03:36 pm report abuse
• 
  yanipot
  9. He still didn't seem to care all that much considering all the effort you put into making that blog just for him. He might not be the one afterall. But it's okay that you went through all that experience because it's part of life. =) Try not to dwell on it too much. Easier said than done, I know, but I'm also sure you'll be able to do it. You'll meet THE ONE sooner or later. =) Good luck, V!
  January 08, 2010 at 03:28 pm report abuse
• 
  vimags21
  8. hmmm, that didn't quite go well. maybe it was not the way to tell him. but at least you tried.
  January 08, 2010 at 03:18 pm report abuse
• 
  chinky_baguette
  7. you should have told him personally
  January 08, 2010 at 02:29 pm report abuse
• 
  Myrajoy
  6. oops..that was quite a surprise..its better to tell him personally..
  January 08, 2010 at 01:13 pm report abuse
• mochachick
  5. hey V, just forget him.. sorry, but he's a jerk
  January 08, 2010 at 12:40 pm report abuse
• 
  iamshe
  4. Forget Matt..
  January 08, 2010 at 12:36 pm report abuse
• 
  alizey
  3. Don't lost hope
  January 08, 2010 at 12:13 pm report abuse
• Henry Wrinkler
  2. Hey V, pull your acts together. Matt's a douche. you're not suppose to waste time on him, go for the good guy, you still have Sam. He seems to be the nice guy. (I know billions already told you that, but yeah.)
  January 08, 2010 at 12:09 pm report abuse
• 
  miss_techylicious
  1. oh... i feel for you girl. the horror of your dream is really scary... im still hoping that matt will feel the same way that you feel. =)
  January 08, 2010 at 10:11 am report abuse

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