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At 8:15PM, I bought coffee at Starbucks, and since there were very few people in the coffee shop, I decided to sit down and enjoy it while killing time. Chance ko na 'tong makaganti, I thought. Matt made me wait almost two hours way back then. Let him wait now, I told myself.

I didn't want to text him that I was already in Greenbelt 3. I didn't want to sound too excited. I didn't want to sound too pushy, either. I wanted to sound cool and nonchalant. I wanted Matt to see how much I've changed. I wanted him to see just how much I've grown. But I kept my phone on the table, just so I could see if anyone called or sent me an SMS. More importantly, I want to see if he would call.

The coffee shop was starting to fill up and yet, in this somewhat organized chaos, I was able to think of the present and what exactly led me back to this "dark place" in my life.

Back in grad school, my professor told the class that the greatest love of your life is, more often than not, the one who got away. He also said that in a lifetime, you'll fall madly in love just once. I'm scared now to think that I have played that card with Matt. I'm terrified that I'll never feel this way for someone again. Not for Logan, not for anyone else. I'm horrified that nothing could ever compare to that one great love I continue to cling to, no matter how insane and stupid and pathetic I sound to others.

Maybe, it's also Logan's fault that I fell into this old rabbit hole. Maybe he really isn't that great. After all, I wouldn't be thinking of the past if I had an amazing, magical present. Maybe I'm starting to resent him because he doesn't complicate my life. Logan doesn't keep me awake 'til four in the morning, obsessing over what he said or did. He doesn't make me spend so much time in front of my laptop, typing away my feelings. Maybe that's the reason I get so much work done these days, because I don't think about our relationship...maybe because he hardly makes my heart skip a beat.

I guess my heart had its share of skipping around years ago, and that's why it hardly skips a beat now...

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