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That One Big Fight with Nicia was sort of a heads-up for me. Even before, I knew for a fact that I have so many hang-ups. I just didn't see before how far and wide those hang-ups continued to affect me.

Imagine, for 12 years, I never realized how much anger I kept inside, that it took such a toll on me. Imagine, a simple--actually, childish--act that happened in high school molded such a big chunk of my personality: my Grecian pride. It was just my luck that Nicia came through and apologized...because that was what I needed, a sincere apology. Finally, I could lay that high school issue to rest. But how about the issues that continue to hang over my head? What about those I never got an apology for?

That fight with Nicia was a wake-up call. I realized that I didn't want to grow up. I realized so many things. I realized that with Matt, I was in love with the idea of him.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm still in love with that person, especially when I have no idea what had become of him. It just tells me that I'm stuck with an age-old idea that prevents me from living my life to the fullest and finding an even greater love.

I was still clinging to the idea of Matt because with him, I knew the rules. It was not an unpaved road because I have traveled it so many times. I traveled it over and over in my life, and despite the unrequited feelings, going back down that path gives me an odd sense of comfort because it's familiar. And maybe, that's the only thing I'm really after whenever I give in to old emotions...

I now see that during the times I felt unsure what to do next or what path to take, or after I've been idle for so long, that's when the idea of Matt crops up. Because when I met him, I was lost and unsure of what to do with my life. After having talked to him over coffee, I had a eureka moment; I knew what I wanted to do. So, that's why my mind keeps going back to that past...because during that time, I was lost and then found my way.

Robin from How I Met Your Mother is right. The future is scary, but we can't go running back to the past just because it's familiar.

So, it isn't love at all. No, not love at all.

I've had way too many eureka moments. I have to move forward.


To be continued...

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