Trying To Make Sense Of Things

Posted on October 29, 2011 12:00 am by Veronica
Photo: Courtesy of The Weinstein Company ("My Blueberry Nights")

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I told Aldrich about the movies I saw which featured Matt's real name. I told him about how similar the characters were to Matt. He listened. From time to time, he shook his head in disbelief, which only meant that he was getting tired of the same serendipity-ba-'to-o-what line I always brought up.

"Alam mo, kahit hindi mo napanood 'yang movies na 'yan, [Matt's real name] pa rin ang pangalan ng characters diyan," Aldrich reasoned. "Walang kinalaman ang universe sa love life mo, wala ring pakialam ang producers ng movie na 'yan sa nangyayari sa love life mo. Nagkataon lang na 'yun ang name ng bida."

Clearly, I wasn't going to hear what I had hoped to hear from Aldrich, so I didn't bother finishing my argument. For a brief silent moment, I remembered when Sam told me the same thing: "Alam mo, kahit 'di ka pumunta ng Dagupan, Lennox Hotel pa rin ang pangalan niyang hotel na 'yan. Kahit 'di mo na-associate 'yung 'Waiting in Vain' na version ni Annie Lennox sa nararamdaman mo diyan kay Matt, nandyan pa rin 'yang Lennox Hotel na 'yan. Hindi 'yan aalis. Walang kinalaman 'yang serendipity mo, 'no."

"Nakakausap mo pa ba siya?" Aldrich asked after what felt like a long, long time.

"No," I sighed.

"Sabi nila editor daw ulit siya ng magazine ha."

"Nakita ko nga," I replied.

"Nakita mo?"

"Sa National," I said. "Accidentally. Naghahanap ako ng new issue nung [publication's name] magazine that time."

I felt like I was trying to sell an idea to him and failing. We sipped coffee.

"Ganoon pa rin siya," Aldrich began. "Single. Medyo depressed. Pa-deep. 'Di pa rin siya nagbago."

Silence.

"Parang ikaw," he added.

When Aldrich said that, I felt two things simultaneously. First, that Aldrich's line came off as slightly offensive. I felt that he was mocking me for not having changed for the better after all the years that passed. But at the same time, I felt a tingling sensation...because he made me feel like I'm just like Matt, and in an insane way that I couldn't explain, I felt that I became closer to Matt somehow.

"Ganoon pa rin siya, Veronica," Adrich said with finality. "Maybe hindi talaga kita maintindihan, pero sabi ko nga sa 'yo, nung event dati sa Uste, iba 'tong si Matt. Feelings mo 'yan, e, ikaw ang nakakaramdam niyan, kaya ikaw lang ang makakatulong sa sarili mo. Kung gusto mo talaga ng closure, kausapin mo siya. 'Wag ako, wala kang mapapala sa 'kin, kasi hindi ko mabibigay sa 'yo 'yung talagang kailangan mo. Si Matt lang ang makakabigay sa 'yo nun, kung ano man 'yun."

Tags: serendipity,relationships,advice,memory,past,regrets,closure,ex-boyfriends,magazine,letting go

8 Comments

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• 
  christinebusalpa
  8. Love you Aldrich!
  November 02, 2011 at 06:51 pm report abuse
• 
  ambermsolis
  7. Nagegets ko yung gusto mong closure Ms. Veronica pero sabi nga ng mga kaibigan mo, ang tagal tagal na nyan. :(
  November 02, 2011 at 02:22 pm report abuse
• 
  juliecastillo20
  6. Argh! It's been a while since I read bedroom blog because of work and you're still hung up on this Matt guy? Nakakaloka na sya ha and nakakaintriga, baka naman sobrang gwapo kasi nyan kaya hooked na hooked ka!
  October 31, 2011 at 01:46 pm report abuse
• 
  charigallano
  5. Parang nagiging boring na mga entries dito lately.. Tsaka nakakairita na. When your 25, dapat nakamove on kana sa mga past mo. Hindi yung inuunkat pa ulit. Hello! 2years hindi pa naclosure sa sarili???.. Sorry to say pero naboringan lang ako.
  October 29, 2011 at 03:06 pm report abuse
• 
  damselflypoet
  4. Is this post speaking to me? T_T
  October 29, 2011 at 06:39 am report abuse
• 
  reginakwin
  3. *choice
  October 29, 2011 at 04:03 am report abuse
• 
  reginakwin
  2. Aldrich is right but he forgot to say that one thing that matters most. Ang "closure" na yan ay nagsisimula sa sarili. Kaya ka ganyan kasi you don't allow yourself to let him go. Kahit ilang beses mo pa siya makausap kung choise mo na isipin at palawakin pa ang kung ano anong issues about the past, you won't have the closure you're struggling to have. Mind-setting lang yan. Let that closure come from you.
  October 29, 2011 at 04:01 am report abuse
• 
  unicahija
  1. Aldrich is right, V. Dapat talaga noon pa nakausap si Matt para natapos na lahat.
  October 29, 2011 at 03:55 am report abuse

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