Wiser The Second Time Around

Posted on June 25, 2011 12:00 am by Veronica
Photo: Courtesy of Fox 2000 Pictures ("The Devil Wears Prada")

Print Email

Tweet

If you've never watched a play, here's a good tidbit to know beforehand: dress/suit up. You can always tell if a random couple is going to the theater by the way they dress up: always in dark-colored dressy garments and leather shoes--always dressed-to-impress. When you're 25 and sitting amongst fashion-conscious kids four years your junior, you can't help but feel like a "situational senior." It's a term I coined after what Barney called the "Situational Hotness" in How I Met Your Mother.

Since I had already seen Avenue Q years ago, I truly felt like I was wiser the second time I watched--not because I already knew the lines and the plot, but mostly because I knew what I wanted.

Avenue Q started with the familiar melody I knew by heart, and soon, the lead puppeteer Felix Rivera entered the stage. We were seated at the loge, one storey higher, but with a good view of the stage. I took it as a sign, a good one, because this time, I saw the play from a different angle—literally and figuratively speaking.

"What do you do with a B.A. in English?"

This is one of the songs that really speaks to me. What exactly do you do with your Journalism degree after you graduate? Personally, when I finished college, all I could think of were two things: abandon Journalism forever and go to law school.

My first job was at a small advertising studio in the outskirts of Makati where I met Sam; I worked there for almost a year. I did go to law school but quit almost immediately when I realized that the legal profession wasn't for someone as free spirited as I am. Just like most people, I came to a point where I clearly felt lost and clueless about what I really wanted to do with my life. But unlike most people, I found the answer when I least expected it. For that, I am still grateful to the *sshole named Matt.

It's the same with most fresh grads, I think--even the ones who feel that they have already figured out their lives. Seriously, is there anyone here who can truly say that he or she has life figured out? Ask any fun, fearless, female friend and in some ways, the thought of not knowing where you'll end up makes the ride more fun, and her more fearless.

Outside the four walls of the university where you came from, the world can really be a scary place. You get turned down by the companies you dream of working for because they need someone with at least four years of work experience, and then you think, "How the hell am I supposed to have experience already? I'm a fresh grad, douche bags!" Then you finally land a less prestigious job at the least prestigious company and you start thinking if you're wasting four years' worth of college for such a dead end job.

But that's how corporate life usually starts, kids. It’s up to you how to psyche yourself and make things work for the better.

Tags: fearless,fun,real world,journalism,first jobs,college,graduation

9 Comments

Add A Comment

• 
  satine
  9. oh my thanks a lot miss v.sorry kung medyo magulo and i hope na sana naconnect nio ung latest post ko with the previous one.I really want to give you a personal message about it kaso I don't know how.take your time miss v.aware naman po ako na fully packed ang sked nio lagi.again thank you so much.
  June 26, 2011 at 07:40 am report abuse
• 
  veronica11
  8. Hi satine, I asked for Lily's help regarding your problem. While reading your story, I just remembered that Lily went through the same experience, at least not the exact one but close enough. She lived through it so I thought, hey, I'll ask for Lily's help. I'll ask her to write her thoughts for you as well. :) Hope you'll find girl wisdom in her words too.
  June 25, 2011 at 11:40 pm report abuse
• 
  veronica11
  7. @cezshy: Don't worry. Just hang in there. Ako nga, it took me, like 4 or 5 years to figure out what i really want to do eh. Like love, finding your purpose or passion in life can hit you when you're not even looking. :)
  June 25, 2011 at 10:24 pm report abuse
• 
  veronica11
  6. @unicahija: thanks so much! i like this blog entry too. ;)
  June 25, 2011 at 10:23 pm report abuse
• 
  veronica11
  5. @satine: Wow, that's a looong one. Wait lang ah. I need some time to read this through and through. Are you sure you don't want to send me a personal message instead? Anyway, sure, I'll try to share what I think about this. :)
  June 25, 2011 at 10:23 pm report abuse
• 
  satine
  4. Miss V thank you so much for giving time to read my story.I hope you could help me to deal with these things like the way you did before.I'm always excited to read your article=))
  June 25, 2011 at 08:52 pm report abuse
• 
  satine
  3. Miss V actually there's a part two of the story Im soo sorry=( and "Ryan" is my "Matt" not his friend.I 'll just tell you the whole story=( The next day,we acted as if nothing happen but deep inside me I'm screaming for explanations.Pare you almost took off my clothes then ganun na lang?!? We almost did it Miss V.Tuluyan na sigurong may ngyari kung di lang ako natakot.Pero I kept my mouth shut about all these things. I tried to move forward, to forget what we've shared but it's not that simple.Then un balik kami sa dating routine.Kahit na I don't know where i stand in his heart but honestly I secretly hoped that he'll realize that I could be more than his friend. We shared different stories from wee hours in the morning till I could no longer handle not to sleep .He even told me about his ex gf whom he almost got pregnant."Gagawa ka ng kalokohan tas matatakot ka" I told him while laughing hard. Lalaki nga namn talaga."Ryan" would call me suggesting that we should try "doing it" again. He'll handle me with care. All I need is to trust those bull****. Then sembreak came.No txt,no calls, yeah we chat but that's if I would be the one who buzz him firs at matagal na siguro ang 5 mins.I could sense something was going on.Yeah I know Im not his GF neither a special friend pero that night Ano un?. Ok I did not lost my virginity with him pero alam kong may nawala skin that night.Till now I could'nt figure out that something. I guess it was only him who could give me answers.Something happen that have proven that woman's instinct is always right. �Ryan� is now in a relationship. My heart was broken into pieces.He was flirting with me while courting another girl. I confronted him about his new status and answered me with "Masama bang magkagf? and by the way she�s my ex gf nagkaayos lang kami� (she�s not the one whom he almost got pregnant ). �You know what, what you guys have, wala akong pakielam pero that night ano un?� I fired back at him. He was lost for words.He wanted us to settle things but I already had enough. Hindi ko na kaya makita sia ulit. Then he remembered that I had a book with him. He told me that he would just return the book through �Leigh�, his friend whom I used to date but goes MIA and oh he�s now back in my life and again he �s sending signals that he wanted to pursue what he have started.Anong mukha ihaharap ko sa kanya? �Leigh� and I were schoolmates and bus mates before. Grade school days. We�re not really close. Typical kalaro lang. I can remember he even bullied me before. Tyka pag grade school it was very unusual to have a close guy friend unless kung mei �early signs ng pagdadalaga�,then super click na kau=)) .Then I hopped in from one school to another because my parents was looking for a place where they could retire comfortably. We lost contact but I didn�t care. People in our lives come and go. I enjoyed what life brought me. I tried to explore different things. I�ve met people with different characters. I filled myself with an identity which I could say my own. I�m now a woman, no longer that little girl he used to play with. Honestly, I almost forgot him. Until one day, a certain guy sent me a message which I really couldn�t figure out. He said sorry for he had mistaken me as somebody else. I checked his profile and pictures. Actually he looks familiar, I told myself. Ah it�s �Leigh�, the tisoy kid na naliligo ng pulbos every morning. I sent him a reply that yeah I�m that girl he was referring to earlier. We catch up on each other�s lives. Amazed how much things have changed through the years. I could say that he�s now nice and very much matured compared the last time I seen him (way back 1999) haha. We exchanged numbers and continued to have a nice conversation. It was a friendly chat. Something I have found enjoyable after a long day. I told my close friend about �Leigh�. Kinilig ang loka loka. �Malay mo magkaron ng something sa inyo.� �Sira,ndi mangyayari un. He�s just nice that�s all.� Then one day, I had a really bad day at school. Professors can be really rude sometimes. In order to relax and calm my senses, I just decided to browse the net and see for myself the latest trend in beauty, fashion and all those stuff then planned to go to the mall the next day. My phone beeped and it�s �Leigh�. The funny thing is, after talking to him, somehow I have forgotten my frustrations about that bald professor and his out of this world questions during recitations. I was unconscious about it but not my close friend. �Kanina parang galit na galit ka sa mundo pero nung nakausap mo si Leigh, ayyy wala na.Ngiting ngiti ka na�. I just ignored what she said; I�m just enjoying his company that�s all. He�s just a friend whom I thankful I have found again but deep inside I could feel that there�s something else. I should not entertain this idea.Uh Satine, �Leigh� is not showing anything that could make you jumping with super kilig . Finals for the school year is fast approaching. We are required to meet deadlines left and right for different subjects. Define stressful week. I understand that �Leigh� wouldn�t also have a free time to chat. It was also their examination week that time. After several days of sleepless nights, finally hell week is OVER which is in the same way with my connection with �Leigh�. I didn�t hear anything from him for months. I�m missing him, laughing at myself. What�s happening to me? , What�s wrong with me?,I often ask. I must move on, that�s my agenda. There are many fishes in the ocean haha=) besides I guess I�m not really not ready yet for romantic ambiance in my life. I�m back on my ordinary life, trying to remove all the remains of �Leigh� in my system. I succeeded with my agenda while continuing to enjoy what life brings to me. That�s what I thought. �Leigh� has now a gf .Aray. You like him Satine, stop denying now. My inner self whispered. I �m just thankful that what I feel for him is not on a very much serious level yet. I went back on my agenda, moving on. This time it should be for real, I told myself. I focused on myself, did things which could help me to become a better person. I tried to be with people who are more worthy of my attention, care and love. I started doing preparations in order to have a sparkling future. I enjoy what I�m doing. It has been two years. Two great years. Time really flies. Being busy is really one of the greatest cure for a broken heart. I won over the struggling-with-�Leigh� phase of my life. Happy to be single but not yet ready to mingle. Hindi na ulit magcrucrus ang landas namin, I assure you. That�s what I wanted to believe. Facebook became a fad. People went crazy over the new social networking site. Way much better than Friendster hahaha. Aside from creating your dream hacienda(haha),it also become a way of finding people you have lost connection with for years. Yes, I have found �Leigh� for the second time around.The same stuff happened. Exchanging of numbers, endless chat,telling each one on how the day is spent. I warned myself. Reminder, he�s now single this time. Ok ka na. Muntik ka na malalag noon, wag mo tuluyan this time. Sinking the thought on my mind. I kept a friendly atmosphere between us. Mas ok walang pressure. I�m his friend,He�s my friend. Tapos ang usapan. We were talking one time that made my heart jump and confused my mind on how to react. �Alam mo bang matagal na kitang hinahanap?. I even ask some of our batch mates if ever they know where you are now and how I could be in touch with you again?�. �Natuwa nga ako nung nakita ko kuya mo one time,Alam ko na kung pano kita makikita ulit�.�Napaginipan kita one night, the batch was having a flag ceremony and I was about to go to the classroom. I saw you strumming a guitar then you looked at me with a very lovely smile which up to now I could not forget and please wag ka ng mawawala ksi ang hirap mo hanapin�. �I really had a great time being with you during our childhood days. It was one of the greatest memory that I have�. I was really shocked. Hello, do you hear what you are saying? Why would he look for me? Why he would want to be in touch with me again? What am I doing in his dream? All I could remember on my elementary days was memorizing the regions of the Philippines and creating a hint so could not forget it. I could not find on my mind a significant event that we have shared during those time for him to say that being with me during our childhood days. Why would I have a great impact on him? �Leigh� we were not really childhood friends like what I have with Sha and the rest of the gang. Yeah we see each other every day but we don�t talk that often. At that phase of a life of a person, there�s a great wall between boys and girls. Crossing the line is a big no-no. He continued to tell me about what we used to do way way back. Ten years ago to be exact,sharp memory indeed.Alam mo ung simple ginawa at pinagawayan nio nung grade3 kau natatandaan nia pa. Bawal kiligin. Remember what happned before? I guess I have forgotten that line or should I say I chose to forget that line. Our bonding over things continued. We manage to talk the whole day. As in the whole day.Patibayan kung sino una makatulog=)) He even went to our house ( I live in the South Luzon, He�s in the City plus he don�t know our complete address) on my birthday. �Leigh� told my mom on how he saw her carrying a baby who is our youngest (She�s now 11 years old). My mom really likes him. She would always ask on how things are going on between us but I keep on telling her that we are just friends. To tell you the truth, it�s not hard for Moms not to like a guy like � Leigh�. He�s a scholar because of his academic standings and also he does not want his parents to worry about his tuition fee anymore. He�s in student council and other school organizations. A guy who loved his family very much. Puro lalaki man sila, never silang nagkaroon ng serious na away. He knows very much on how to respect women. Things were going smoothly. Satine you should stay on the safety zone. Platonic relationship,period. Then the friendly envionment is now beginning to be polluted with hearts and butterflies. No, not again. He may be doing and saying sweet things like what men are doing to win the heart of a lady but hey he�s not �declaring� anything. I�m special for him that�s what he said. Special in what kind of level? I don�t know. I failed for the second time. It�s harder and deeper this time. Sh**. I reminded you but you did not listen, my mind says. My heart won over my mind. �Leigh� goes MIA again without saying a single word, without sealing what he have started. Mas masakit this time,ksi akala ko mei something na din sia para sakin. I�m so stupid for believing his words. Foolish, for I hoped that maybe we could have a great love story, from childhood friends to lovers. Works of destiny. Life goes on, Satine. You should accept that �Leigh� is not really the guy I could share my completeness with. I went back on building myself. I�ve fallen but I should know how to stand up. I�d be ok .Family, friends and all the things in between made me forgot the pain.Aun, nagenjoy ulit. Still single but now ready to mingle but no serious attachments yet. I�m having fun meeting lots of people ( ehem, gorgeous men).Then �Ryan� came along. He�s a long time friend of �Leigh�.If �Leigh� is aware that �Ryan� and I knew each other, I have no idea. �Leigh� was still MIA. During those times, I always spent time with �Ryan�. Just refer to the first part my story on what �Ryan� and I had before. Yes, the best friends both left me with a shattered heart. After all the things that happened, I promised to cut all my connections with these guys. I don�t want anything to do with them. I have given too much of myself.�Leigh� is MIA.�Ryan� is now back with his ex. I�m such a big loser. I always cry whenever I would remember what I have been through. This is the first time I�ve been in a romantic relationship at a mature level. I now appreciate the songs that contains the sentiments of having a broken heart. Bakit sa lahat ng tao,ako pa. Tapos magkasunod pa.I tried to smile and look at the bright side of the world. I was working on it. I�m young. There are great opportunities waiting for me. I could still meet a lot of people. 1 message received, it�s �Leigh�. �Can we talk? I�ve heard that you knew �Ryan� and you stayed �over night� at his place. Ano ba tayo? I don�t know any more on where I stand in your life.� I could sense that he is mad at me but why? Wala siyang sinasabi. Bigla siyang nawawala. I also don�t know where I stand in his life .I don�t want to put labels on things. I need an assurance from him. Yes, I like him. He somehow shows that he feels the same way but he never said anything about it. We talked the next day and told him everything about what happened between �Ryan� and me. He comforted me as a friend or more than that, I don�t know. He held my hand but I pulled off. I �m traumatized with these things. I felt the fear with men and falling in love. As expected, �Leigh� said goodbye to me. �I love you very much, Satine. Please take care of yourself.� These were his last words. My child hood sweetheart would be gone forever. Few months passed. I kept my mind busy. I am married to school and is a relationship with my studies. I partied harder. Drunk away my broken heart. Laughed my heart out with my crazy barkada. I�ve spent great quality time with my family. Prayed to God that I would find peace inside me. December, gifts, Paskuhan,vacation. I always spend it with the gang and we would have a potluck and exchange gifts while enjoying the university wide celebration and waiting for the fireworks. It was really fun. This is one of the events that could make the barkada complete since we�re now taking different majors in our department and some were already enrolled on other schools. The only downside of the Paskuhan is the signal really sucks. Be sure that you guys are already together before setting down in the field or else you�ll be looking out for each other in the sea of students. 1 message received. �I tried to forget you and all the things connected to you but I simply cannot. Merry Christmas, Satine � The number is not registered on my phone but I knew it was him.�Leigh�. I�m still amazed on how to I was able to receive the message. The signal is totally down but anyway it was the content of the message that made my heart skipped a beat and found no words to describe on how should I respond. He called the next day, I don�t know if I should answer it or not. �Uh, hello?�. We talked .It was really awkward at first and I felt that it was one of the longest 5 minutes in my life. Little by little we tried to bring back the connection we had before. I tried to be comfortable with his presence like what I used to feel before. We talked and chat in the same way we did. We joked around and laughed on each other�s mistake. I took off on my mind that he said I love you before saying goodbye. As I can see it, there die no more traces of yesterday. W hat we have at those moments was untouched with the mistakes we did. Everything was good as new. I hoped and pray that it would be way better this time. Even though I�m not 100% sure that �Leigh� would be my last, I just wish that we could share what love really means. I�m scared to have my heart broken again but with �Leigh�, I would take the risk. I felt that I�m in the cloud nine but one day he left me again. I felt his coldness towards me. He�s not that interested anymore on what I would share. I don�t know what went wrong. A year has passed after that incident with �Ryan�. I�ve already forgiven him for what he did. He said he was sorry and somehow he gave me answers on things he refused to answer before. He asked me on how things are going on between us, I tried to smile. �Hands up na ako, di ko na kaya. Kung aalis siya lagi na parang bula tapos bigla ulit lilitaw please lang wag sana niyang ipakita sakin na may lugar ako para sa kanya�. �Then move on� Ryan said. Parang ganun lang kadali. Keep moving forward I kept telling myself but I still miss�Leigh�.Satine, kinalimutan ka na niya.�Ryan� and I became friends again but �Leigh� did not like the idea(Yes he�s back in the picture). �Ano ba talaga ako sayo? Si Ryan ba o ako?� �There�s nothing between me and �Ryan.I just want to put answers on my past that haunts me up to now. I wanted to be whole again �Leigh�,After that I know I have nothing to hide with you anymore�.�Then congratulations I guess you did it. You know what; you�re no longer the girl I used to know�. I cried me heart out to my Dad. He comforted me. �Sabi sayo eh, saka na lang yan.You may be old enough when it comes to age but I guess you�re not yet ready to the pain love brings�. I guess for a week, I felt that my heart is bleeding .It may not be literally but I think it was dissected without injecting an anaesthesia. I really don�t have any luck on love. I even planned to be an old maid and just adopt a kid.1 message received�.�Ryan�. �Ui kamusta?� Usual chat and that conversation became more often. He�s a changed man now but not really. He�s still on cars,chicks,dicks and his walang kamatayang kapreskohan. I�ll tell you a secret he�s still pursuing me up to now. Pursuing me to go to a motel and have sex with no strings attached.�Nabitin ako sau last time eh�.Dickhead. This thought is confusing me. One part of me wanted to do it, thinking that this would end my memories of �Ryan� and all those arousing moments we had before. I can see it my dreams sometimes which would make me ashamed of myself. The other part of me is strongly opposing to the idea. �Ryan� just wanted pleasure,have sex period.You wanted lovemaking, doing it with genuine love and passion. He would just leave you when the morning comes and would just call you again if he remembers you. I promised that we would do it but I have no intentions to fulfil that promise. I could also feel that I want to do it so I could revenge on �Leigh� for the pain he has caused but why does it have to be like this. I could sense that my plan would backfire on me. Hindi ko na alam gagawin ko.
  June 25, 2011 at 08:27 pm report abuse
• 
  cezshy
  2. two thumbs up on this one!!!!!! its been a year since ive graduated and im stl in the middle of figuring where i should be....
  June 25, 2011 at 09:22 am report abuse
• 
  unicahija
  1. Like. Like like like ^_^
  June 25, 2011 at 03:38 am report abuse

RECEIVE COSMO.PH WEEKLY!