Are You Really In Love Or Are You Just Settling?

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Mr. Maybe Mistake 2: "We're so bagay for each other."

You've been voted prom and king and queen. People often tell you how damn good you both look together. No matter how alike your interests are, or how picture-perfect you look side-by-side, doesn't mean that you'll be satisfied with the deeper aspects of your relationship. "They always told me that since we were both aktibista, magkakasundo kami lagi," says Christine, 27, a volunteer for a non-government agency. She's been living in for five years with her boyfriend Nick, 29, who's also employed in an NGO. On a trip abroad, Christine met a guy to whom she was extremely attracted, but she could not bring herself to break up with Nick.

In the case of Charity, 28, a marketing assistant, their bagay factor was qualified by the length of time they were together. "My classmates kept telling me, 'You guys have been together since high school—fate na 'yan,'" she says, who has been with her boyfriend, Adrian—her best friend and first crush—for over 15 years. When Adrian proposed, Charity didn't hesitate to say yes—only to break off the engagement. "We were just comfortable with each other because we had known each other for so many years. There came a point na nagsawa na talaga." Being together for a long time or seeming oh-so-bagay doesn't always mean that you're right for each other.

Mr. Maybe Mistake 3: "He's madly in love with me."

"Owen was the one who was the most todo-bigay in love with me among all my suitors and ex-boyfriends," shares Luisa, 24, a call center agent. So she said yes when Owen, her boyfriend of three years, proposed to her. But did she love him back as much? "I knew he loved me sobra, and I thought I did with the same intensity," she says now. "But I have to admit, there were times that I just wasn't interested in him. I just didn't care. And most of all, I had to admit to myself that I wasn't fully satisfied with the relationship."

Some people argue that you can learn to love someone if that someone truly loves you. "It can be extremely flattering to find someone to love you unconditionally; some people spend a lifetime in search of this kind of love," says Hector. Love, however, involves two people; it's a two way street. "You will hardly find true happiness in a love relationship if you cannot equally return the love you are receiving from your mate," adds Hector.

Mr. Maybe Mistake 4: "My family and friends love him."

"Whenever my boyfriend Ricky visits me at home, my dad never fails to declare that he's the son he never had," says Anna, 23, who has three other sisters. "But sometimes, naiinis ako whenever Ricky gets so controlling. He'll always tell me to eat konti lang so I won't gain weight, grow my hair long so I'll look more feminine, or not wear makeup, and if I do, bawal ang red lipstick. So sometimes, I ask myself, 'Will I really be happy trying to live up to his expectation of a slim and simple girl?'" Yet whenever Anna brings up Ricky's controlling ways to her parents, they always seem to dismiss it as concern on Ricky's side. "I figured, he must be doing that for my own good naman," she says. It wasn't until Ricky refused to talk to her for three days after she pigged out at a buffet that she realized: "He doesn't love me. I was just settling for him, because he made my parents happy."

You are not here to satisfy your family. "People who settle this way, usually rationalize that maybe they are being too picky," says Hector. "And when they reconsider their assessment they do not believe their choice of a partner was influenced by others; they believe it was their own decision."

Mr. Maybe Mistake 5: "He's financially stable."

Melanie, 25, a real estate agent, is engaged to Allan, 30. "I can't wait to marry him," she says now. Never mind that Allan is prone to jealous rages and constantly loses his temper. "Ganyan talaga, okay lang 'yan," says Melanie. "As long as he provides for me as a husband, pwede na siya."

Some women believe that a Prince Charming is out there to save us from our financial woes. Hence, we don't think twice about "marrying up." "Young women without economic resources see this as a way to acquire the financial stability they cannot get alone," says Cooper.

"Getting into a relationship for security reasons is just one of the many blunders that men and women make when it comes to choosing a partner," says Henry Krakow, PhD. "That relationship is a time bomb waiting to explode—whether it takes months or years. A relationship based on convenience just never works."

Mr. Maybe Mistake 6: "I don't want to be alone."

Women are terrified of being alone, says Nancy Good, author of How to Live with the Difficult Man You Love. Cooper agrees, "Many women believe they are nothing without a man." Others think that having a boyfriend or gaining the title of "Mrs." will make life easier and happier. "In spite of their careers, education, and financial success, these women often believe that without a man they are complete failures," she adds.

Betty Friedan, author of The Feminine Mystique, says that the reason women are often drawn to coupledom is that "the security of togetherness" is just too tempting to pass up.

"Loneliness is another culprit that drives us to seek unsatisfying relationships that end disastrously," says Krakow. "We have all been lonely at some point in life so you know what it can do to you."

The fear of spending your whole life without someone can consume you and drive you to make a decision to stay and stick it out in a bad relationship. Or, it can lead you to choose to be in a relationship with someone totally wrong for you. Add your biological clock into the picture and being with someone almost transforms into a desperate need. "The worst thing about it is that it can drive you to make choices that are bound to cause you pain and heartache in the long run," says Krakow.

Learn to be happy solo and take care of your health—and that includes being in a relationship that you want and derive true happiness from.

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