RELATIONSHIPS
5 Reasons Women Stay With Men Who Hurt Them
Cosmo lists some excuses ladies make for staying in a relationship that’s clearly doomed to fail, and tells you why it may be time to let go.
Posted on January 27, 2010 12:00 am by Claire Betita-Samson
Photo: Courtesy of Noel Orsal of PEP.ph
Posted on January 27, 2010 12:00 am by Claire Betita-Samson
Photo: Courtesy of Noel Orsal of PEP.ph
Lately, we’ve been hearing about high-profile married men making a major mess of their marital lives: Manny Pacquiao has the Krista controversy, James Yap has his supposed “friend” Mayen Austria, and Tiger Woods has his never-ending stream of mistresses. We shudder to think how many other men, regular men, have hurt their partners not just through infidelity, but through dependency, verbal abuse, domestic violence, and other misdeeds.
It is but natural for a coupled-up woman to turn a blind eye to such transgressions to sustain the relationship, but when is enough really enough? If you’ve been saying these lines for too long but see no improvement in your relationship, it may be time to let go.
1. “I’ll be the one to change him.”
Rita, 23, an executive assistant, already knew that Andre, 26, was a notorious playboy when they went steady. “I thought, nung naging kami, it was the end of his player days,” she says. “Ok naman during the first three months. But when someone told me that he was seeing not just one, but two of his ex-girlfriends, I was in denial. As far as I knew, iba ako.” It wasn’t until Andre himself broke up with her because he got an ex-girlfriend pregnant that Rita realized she had wasted her time. “We can only change ourselves,” stresses family therapist Malyn Cristobal. “In the end, it’s really the person who decides [to change].”
2. “My love will change him.”
“I thought if I loved him enough or if I did something, then he would realize that he needed to change,” says Pia, who had to put up with her boyfriend Nick’s constant lying. “So, I tried to give him everything...I’m the type naman na bigay lahat.” The problem doesn’t lie on whether you have loved him enough, but whether he wants to change or not. If he does not, there’s nothing you can do about it. It was only when Pia discovered on her own that Nick was < ahref="/love-lust/relationships/3-reasons-a-man-cheats/" mce_href="/love-lust/relationships/3-reasons-a-man-cheats/" target="_blank">seeing several other women that she realized that “the problem wasn’t mine.”
3. “He says he loves me, so he’ll change for me.”
People change for themselves, not for other people. The same is true in relationships. “He says that he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me,” confides Angela, 24, a call center agent, of her boyfriend and live-in partner Gino. That’s why she is patiently waiting for Gino, who’s in-between jobs and wholly depends on her financially, to “reform.” It’s a misconception that love can actually change or fix a person. “The person will change when he is ready to change,” says Cristobal.
4. “It will get better as time passes.”
Eunice, 26, a banker, was the battered wife of Paul, 29, for three years. “I kept hoping that the situation would get better with time...that Paul would mellow down,” she says now. “He never did.”
How many women have languished in bad, emotionally and physically damaging relationships with the mistaken notion that time will be the cure? It will get better with time--if a physically abusive partner makes an actual, concrete effort to change, such as getting professional help or marriage counseling.
5. “He needs me.”
Lissa, 25, a customer service officer, could not break off with Mark, 25, who has been on drugs during the two years they’ve been together. “I can’t leave him now,” Lissa says. “Baka tuluyang masira ‘yung buhay niya.” In the meantime, it’s her life that gets ruined every time Mark forces her to take drugs as well.
Often, a person remains in a bad relationship thinking that the other cannot function without her. Some women actually thrive in relationships where their partners are heavily dependent on them. As Cristobal points out, it’s an illusion people with very low self-esteem choose to believe in. “Either she gets out or tolerates it,” says Cristobal. “If you know there’s a problem, yet you allow it to happen, then you have a bigger problem.”
With additional reporting by Cheekie Albay
It is but natural for a coupled-up woman to turn a blind eye to such transgressions to sustain the relationship, but when is enough really enough? If you’ve been saying these lines for too long but see no improvement in your relationship, it may be time to let go.
1. “I’ll be the one to change him.”
Rita, 23, an executive assistant, already knew that Andre, 26, was a notorious playboy when they went steady. “I thought, nung naging kami, it was the end of his player days,” she says. “Ok naman during the first three months. But when someone told me that he was seeing not just one, but two of his ex-girlfriends, I was in denial. As far as I knew, iba ako.” It wasn’t until Andre himself broke up with her because he got an ex-girlfriend pregnant that Rita realized she had wasted her time. “We can only change ourselves,” stresses family therapist Malyn Cristobal. “In the end, it’s really the person who decides [to change].”
2. “My love will change him.”
“I thought if I loved him enough or if I did something, then he would realize that he needed to change,” says Pia, who had to put up with her boyfriend Nick’s constant lying. “So, I tried to give him everything...I’m the type naman na bigay lahat.” The problem doesn’t lie on whether you have loved him enough, but whether he wants to change or not. If he does not, there’s nothing you can do about it. It was only when Pia discovered on her own that Nick was < ahref="/love-lust/relationships/3-reasons-a-man-cheats/" mce_href="/love-lust/relationships/3-reasons-a-man-cheats/" target="_blank">seeing several other women that she realized that “the problem wasn’t mine.”
3. “He says he loves me, so he’ll change for me.”
People change for themselves, not for other people. The same is true in relationships. “He says that he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me,” confides Angela, 24, a call center agent, of her boyfriend and live-in partner Gino. That’s why she is patiently waiting for Gino, who’s in-between jobs and wholly depends on her financially, to “reform.” It’s a misconception that love can actually change or fix a person. “The person will change when he is ready to change,” says Cristobal.
4. “It will get better as time passes.”
Eunice, 26, a banker, was the battered wife of Paul, 29, for three years. “I kept hoping that the situation would get better with time...that Paul would mellow down,” she says now. “He never did.”
How many women have languished in bad, emotionally and physically damaging relationships with the mistaken notion that time will be the cure? It will get better with time--if a physically abusive partner makes an actual, concrete effort to change, such as getting professional help or marriage counseling.
5. “He needs me.”
Lissa, 25, a customer service officer, could not break off with Mark, 25, who has been on drugs during the two years they’ve been together. “I can’t leave him now,” Lissa says. “Baka tuluyang masira ‘yung buhay niya.” In the meantime, it’s her life that gets ruined every time Mark forces her to take drugs as well.
Often, a person remains in a bad relationship thinking that the other cannot function without her. Some women actually thrive in relationships where their partners are heavily dependent on them. As Cristobal points out, it’s an illusion people with very low self-esteem choose to believe in. “Either she gets out or tolerates it,” says Cristobal. “If you know there’s a problem, yet you allow it to happen, then you have a bigger problem.”
With additional reporting by Cheekie Albay
Tags: relationship,boyfriend,girlfriend,couples,love advice,cheating,love problems,relationship advice,abusive boyfriend,abusive partner,domestic abuse
99 Comments
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99. lOve cAn sOmEtimes mAkes us nUmb.. nOt nEcessarilY makEs us blinD
August 21, 2010 at 06:27 pm report abuse -
98. everybody deserved a second chance...its happened also on me with my X..he asked for another chance i gave him...but 3rd and fourth time are different you need to think...
August 18, 2010 at 08:55 am report abuse -
97. I stay with him because I know everyone is capable of making mistakes, we are just human and sometimes we dont mean to hurt someone specially if its the one we love.
July 03, 2010 at 09:41 pm report abuse -
96. I could buy the things I love.
June 25, 2010 at 06:02 pm report abuse -
95. sometimes girl just wants to be with some one
May 16, 2010 at 01:02 am report abuse -
94. or the girl simply loves the guy. period.
April 25, 2010 at 12:54 pm report abuse -
Babe93. I stay with him because he is rich
April 06, 2010 at 07:49 pm report abuse -
gorgeous92. it reminds me of the song- why do we always hurt the ones we love...
April 01, 2010 at 03:30 pm report abuse -
91. another thing.... 1 reason could be... "siya ang nakauna sakin"- thought of virginity
March 29, 2010 at 01:52 pm report abuse -
90. prove them na you're different from others. he can't just fool you like that.
March 22, 2010 at 07:52 am report abuse -
89. women think na magbabago pa din yung guy for them. mahirap yung umaasa sa imposible.
March 22, 2010 at 07:51 am report abuse -
88. I DONT KNOW... There are things that are not here,,, alot... Im a super team Jinkee girl eh, She's with manny not because of money but because she loves him talaga....Jinkee has been with manny kahit when manny was just starting... so sana diba, yung iba dont say na jinkee is just there for manny because of his money...
March 21, 2010 at 02:53 am report abuse -
87. "People change for themselves, not for other people." I certainly agree to this statement. When confused, we should always try to EMPATHIZE. When he just can't stop doing something. Try putting yourself in his shoes. When he's cheating, try comprehending the situation in his point of view. If you understood why, see what happened wrong, then compromise with him. But once he does it again, there's no use trying to save it. It's over for he doesn't respect you.
March 14, 2010 at 03:19 pm report abuse -
86. Because of the kids!
March 12, 2010 at 12:03 pm report abuse -
85. naku philandering once is enough... no more second chance believe me a player will always be a player. Walang gamot sa emotionally unhealthy guy kundi counseling and not pagiging martyr natin.
March 12, 2010 at 05:46 am report abuse -
jelle84. 'if you're not happy in a relationship get out of it.' this is one of my life's greatest regret. holding on for so long. it was miserable.
March 08, 2010 at 01:45 am report abuse -
83. if you're not happy in a relationship get out of it.
March 06, 2010 at 11:02 pm report abuse -
bashang82. which one you choose.. sa wrong relationship na happy ka or sa right relationship na hindi ka happy,, simple lang, walang happy ending sa maling relasyon, puro beginning
March 01, 2010 at 11:25 pm report abuse -
gem81. philandering once is enough.. goodbye na after
February 25, 2010 at 12:42 am report abuse -
roxy80. hmmmm.. hirap tlaga i-break ang habit:( khit msakit isin kc mhal mu,mski na mukha ka ng tanga..
February 24, 2010 at 02:20 pm report abuse -
ysea072279. When you already forgot own happiness just for the sake of your beloved's happiness
February 21, 2010 at 01:06 pm report abuse -
jessica ivler78. for me it's because i love him..as simple as that....
February 13, 2010 at 09:24 pm report abuse -
77. other reasons why women stay would be: because of what other people would stay, what will happen to the kids, fear that things will only get worse when the relationship ends.
February 10, 2010 at 05:03 pm report abuse -
76. if you're no longer happy in a relationship, then end it...love alone will not make things work out...
February 10, 2010 at 12:02 pm report abuse -
75. lolz
February 10, 2010 at 10:45 am report abuse -
74. ka adeekan ang reasons ng lahat ng ito in a major way
February 10, 2010 at 10:45 am report abuse -
73. âIâll be the one to change him.â - no one can change anybody but themselves.
February 09, 2010 at 08:19 pm report abuse -
72. âIâll be the one to change him.â - no one can change anybody but themselves.
February 09, 2010 at 08:18 pm report abuse -
71. 71. Bottomline: You cannot change a person. He should be the one to decide to change for himself. It is very hard to find a loyal partner nowadays. :(
February 09, 2010 at 09:24 am report abuse -
70. This is a very sad article. sad but so true. We, ladies, are the martyrs. that's so so sad.
February 09, 2010 at 01:59 am report abuse -
69. in a relationship thatâs clearly doomed to fail, and tells you why it may be time to let go.
February 08, 2010 at 10:32 pm report abuse -
68. di na uso ang mga martyr ngayon...
February 07, 2010 at 11:03 pm report abuse -
67. hell no hell...
February 07, 2010 at 07:24 pm report abuse -
66. nobody should be martyrs.
February 06, 2010 at 06:16 pm report abuse -
65. Men are supposed to be responsible for themselves.
February 04, 2010 at 09:48 pm report abuse -
64. This is the 21st century when women shouldn't allow themselves to become slaves of their lovers. If he doesn't change for the better, then leave him. Don't make your love for him the reason to stay, instead make your love for yourself the reason to let go.
February 04, 2010 at 04:29 pm report abuse -
63. I have one past relationship that I couldn't say I had enough..I was young and inexperienced. But its different now.
February 04, 2010 at 02:07 pm report abuse -
62. Some women are martyrs. Im not one of them.
February 04, 2010 at 01:36 pm report abuse -
61. When you're inlove you don't see reason. You only see what you want to see.
February 03, 2010 at 04:23 pm report abuse -
60. i'll be the one to change him-- yeah right..
February 02, 2010 at 09:04 pm report abuse -
59. sana lang sa lahat ng pag aadjust naten may patunguhan, pero di ganon mag mahal ang babae, lage 100% walang inaantay na kapalit.
February 02, 2010 at 03:45 pm report abuse -
pink1458. i agree based on my experienced hindi mababago ng patner ang isang guy.nasa may katawan un kung handa na syang magbago marame naren ako sinacrifice sa kanya pero ganun paren mas pinili nyang pakisamahan ung another woman..sad talaga
February 01, 2010 at 03:19 pm report abuse -
57. sometimes we just give too many chances even if we know we are still gonna get hurt.
February 01, 2010 at 01:14 pm report abuse -
56. ul nvr know wht love is until u realize wht love is not...
February 01, 2010 at 03:21 am report abuse -
55. Women really tend to be mapagtiis sa halos lahat ng bagay.. especially with their men. hayy... :(
February 01, 2010 at 12:18 am report abuse -
54. It will get better with time i dont think so..
January 31, 2010 at 08:13 pm report abuse -
53. Women stay with men who hurt them because their men are well off or maybe they really love their men.
January 31, 2010 at 06:39 pm report abuse -
52. Yeah! we got the power!
January 31, 2010 at 12:39 am report abuse -
51. Women should have to be strong all the time!
January 30, 2010 at 10:54 pm report abuse -
50. uh-oh! no to pagiging martyr!
January 30, 2010 at 02:01 pm report abuse -
49. women should not be blinded by love.
January 30, 2010 at 12:37 am report abuse -
EMY48. I EXPERIENCE A LOT, HOW MANY TIMES MY HUSBAND BETRAYED ME, BUT STILL I LOVE HIM...FOR BETTER OR FOR WORST TIL DEATH DO US PART...YAN ANG LOVE..
January 29, 2010 at 08:42 pm report abuse -
47. hay nku! bakit kasi ganun ang mga bagay sa mundo naks!! emote...
January 29, 2010 at 04:06 pm report abuse -
46. sabi ko nga sa isang thread sa forum: hindi mahirap ang magpatawad kung mahal na mahal mo sya kahit ilang beses ka pa nyang saktan.....nakikita ko nman ang effort nya na magbago at naappreciate ko yun... i know & i can feel na mahal na mahal din nya ako kaya ginagawa nya ang lahat para maging masaya at matiwasay ang aming pagsasama
January 29, 2010 at 12:57 pm report abuse -
lhen82ramos45. for me.it wasn't GOOD enough for us to stay, maybe if it is over tama na.martyr life is not our role.
January 29, 2010 at 09:19 am report abuse -
44. being inlove is so much different from being "naive".
January 29, 2010 at 08:03 am report abuse -
J43. men will never change for a girl, he will only change for himself.
January 29, 2010 at 03:01 am report abuse -
42. Women must stand up for what they think they deserve.
January 28, 2010 at 11:51 pm report abuse -
41. Anyone who stays and keeps getting hurt has low self esteem and might be masochistic.
January 28, 2010 at 05:12 am report abuse -
40. loving someone means sacrifice. cause the truth is, ITS JUST A MATTER OF CHOOSING THE RIGHT THING TO DO. and what you don't choose, is a sacrifice.
January 27, 2010 at 11:33 pm report abuse -
39. for martyrs? :s
January 27, 2010 at 10:43 pm report abuse -
38. this article is so true. it's very hard to reform a so called cheater.. many women choose to stay with those who hurt them because they love them too much to leave them
January 27, 2010 at 10:16 pm report abuse -
37. aside from the given reasons, maybe some women are just "martyr" that they tend to stick it out with the guy because they just love them no matter what
January 27, 2010 at 10:16 pm report abuse -
36. definitely true that people change for a reason at the right time at the right mood. We cant force someone to change just because we said we love them. They are their own people, they're the only one who can decide whatever road they want to take. Mahirap pilitin ang taong kahit sa sarili nya...alam ntang di pa sya ready.
January 27, 2010 at 09:54 pm report abuse -
35. OMG! ang gnda!!! so true!! lalo nah ung number 1!
January 27, 2010 at 09:31 pm report abuse -
34. sometimes the more he is forbidden, the more fun and exciting it gets to love and like him..
January 27, 2010 at 09:06 pm report abuse -
33. yeah you're right rose. You cannot dictate anyone to change to the kind of person you want him to become. You cannot also expect your man to do so. It is based on his own will to change or not.
January 27, 2010 at 07:28 pm report abuse -
32. this article is very helpful, thanks cosmo!
January 27, 2010 at 06:23 pm report abuse -
31. my!!! I love this article..!!! this caught my interest tlaga .. =)
January 27, 2010 at 02:21 pm report abuse -
30. âHe says he loves me, so heâll change for me.â? not always true.. minsan, mas totoo pa ung..if you love that girl/ boy.. you must try to accept his/ her weaknesses.. o simply accept/ embrace his / her attitudes that you want to change.. based on my own experience.. In any relationships,it's not really appropriate to demand to your partner qng anu ung ugali na gusto mo.. to please yourself =).. it must be an unconditional love all the time!=)
January 27, 2010 at 02:20 pm report abuse -
29. oh my!!!this is so intriguing! the phrase: âIt will get better as time passes.â is not always true I guess, kasi ung ibang relationship .. hindi na naaayos ng panahon lang..for me, the person concerned/ involved must do their best not to ruin the relationship that they had.. we must not depend on time that we have.. !!dapat inaayos na ung problems kaagad if you still want/ love to stick with that person!
January 27, 2010 at 02:15 pm report abuse -
28. These women are plainly too afraid to lose their man and they're the ones who need him and not the other way around. They stay not because they want to change him or make him a better person whatsoever. Well this is the result they are opting to see in him but not it's not actually because they want to go into the process of changing him.
January 27, 2010 at 01:44 pm report abuse -
27. Based on my experience, sobrang mahal mo lang talaga. And it is true na sya lang mkakapag change na sarili nya hinde ikaw.
January 27, 2010 at 12:30 pm report abuse -
26. The article really mirrors the reality of men and women in a relationship
January 27, 2010 at 11:25 am report abuse -
25. boys will be forever boys talaga.. hehehe;)
January 27, 2010 at 10:03 am report abuse -
24. feeling kasi ng ibang girls pag iniwan sila ng partner nila, parang katapusan na ng mundo, masyado kasi sila nagdedepend sa partner nila eh..
January 27, 2010 at 10:03 am report abuse -
23. love this! i'll repost it in facebook and i'm sure many of my friends can relate to this.=) so so true..=)
January 27, 2010 at 09:39 am report abuse -
22. 22. Great article, its so true...
January 27, 2010 at 09:34 am report abuse -
21. Oh my god, this is so true. We stay because we always think that we could do better after the problems, but we dont. There's just too much hurt. Men will change if they understood the real reason they did cheat in the first place and if they think they should do better. If he wants to change, he will. No woman can ever make it for him. :(
January 27, 2010 at 09:09 am report abuse -
20. Women are by nature very patient and hopeful. Sadly sometimes the man don't change and the woman ends up depressed.
January 27, 2010 at 09:08 am report abuse -
19. 18. love is patient and blind, kaya kahit nasasaktan at wala kang dignity. tinitiis mo kasi lahat ng babae, futuristic, iniisip nila na matatapos rin ang lahat, despite how big the problem was. mas maganda na rin kasi na magsacrifice today, for tomorrow you will see paradise... :D
January 27, 2010 at 08:46 am report abuse -
18. I agree on this "People change for themselves, not for other people."
January 27, 2010 at 08:40 am report abuse -
17. Love is all about forgiveness. I think it is just ok not to forget.
January 27, 2010 at 08:17 am report abuse -
16. Some women are so inlove with their guys, they could even forgive them and give another chance. They are so madly inlove with their partners. Some women think that they could still change their guys. That is the reason why they don't leave their partners.
January 27, 2010 at 08:15 am report abuse -
15. love is not practical.kya gnon.haha
January 27, 2010 at 08:08 am report abuse -
14. some women think that they can change a man, i thought so too.
January 27, 2010 at 07:55 am report abuse -
13. i agree with sis summer.. true din that we can never change somebody else. it's their own choice kung gusto nila magbago. kaya lang minsan kahit gusto na magbago di nila magawa kasi laging may TUKSO! hahahaha
January 27, 2010 at 07:48 am report abuse -
12. Women are not blind.. They see, but choose to not mind these things because of love. They must learn to love and value themselves first than seek and strive for their man's happiness
January 27, 2010 at 07:37 am report abuse -
11. jinkee has to hold on to her man---ny,aba naman they have kids, at she was there when pacman was a nobody pa, while those women obviously just like Manny's money (lol)
January 27, 2010 at 06:34 am report abuse -
10. once a womanizer, always a womanizer...pwera lang pag naging super super God-fearing.
January 27, 2010 at 06:20 am report abuse -
9. I think the main reason why women stay w/ men who hurt them are: they are too blind to see.they think that the world ends right then & there.they are dependent to their husband-like jinkee pacquiao,i don't think she cn buy a hermes if iwanan nya c pacquiao.she's nothing.i think.and lastly,no women wants a broken family :(
January 27, 2010 at 05:23 am report abuse -
8. I DONT USE ANY OF THOSE LINES ANYMORE . because i realized he will nver change, i am so fedup . this may be the time to let go
January 27, 2010 at 03:40 am report abuse -
7. it;s really hard to change a person, and its harder when u know na d mo magawa pabaguhin cia. based on my experienced im the one who give up, as in he change for a while pero bumabalik din uli sa ugali nila..sad, sumtyms if we love the person so much we learn to accept the person as is and try to hide his imperfection.
January 27, 2010 at 01:19 am report abuse -
6. @miss_techylicious: i agree with you..kasi yung change kaw lang din makakagawa nun..pag nagdecide ka na gusto mong magbago para sa mahal mo..
January 27, 2010 at 12:54 am report abuse -
5. @darriane: sis, based on my experience ko about change, some ppl wanted me to change but the only time na nagbago ako is when i decided na gusto ko na nga magbago. parang ganun. :)
January 27, 2010 at 12:29 am report abuse -
4. true..minsan kasi we're so blinded by love na iniisip natin na mababago natin sila..not knowing na tayo ang nababago dahil sa love na yun..nagiging tanga nad martyr
January 27, 2010 at 12:23 am report abuse -
3. i agreee with you sis, but if its true love, love can change everythin :)
January 27, 2010 at 12:13 am report abuse -
2. ganun talaga martyr ang ibang babae. sana naman wag ako.
January 27, 2010 at 12:12 am report abuse -
1. the 1st 3 items talk about change. based on my experience, and i agree with the experts, we cannot change our partners no matter what we do. they are the ones who will initiate the change, if the prefer to.
January 27, 2010 at 12:09 am report abuse
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