1. There’s all this negative energy when you and your S.O. are together. You both feel it almost every time. There’s the tension, the hostility, the disappointment, the sadness, the anger all in the air—even when you guys aren’t even talking. It pains you both.
2. You feel like you can’t be yourself with him. You’re always scared to do or say anything because you feel like you’ll screw up or look ugly or “imperfect” to him, so you try to be quiet and smiley—all very “pleasant”—even when you’re really not on the inside. You’ve also tried embodying the personality of someone you know he likes, just so he’d like you more. (That’s sad.)
3. You feel like you’re not—and never will be—good enough for him. You try so hard to be the best at something (excluding failing) so he’ll appreciate you more. When he does encourage you, compliment you, and cheer you on, you feel really happy. But that soon vanishes. You need him to keep validating you and your efforts more.
4. You feel like you’re an ugly human being. Because you’re a boring, mean, uncreative, untalented scum, says your mind. Nothing can truly convince you otherwise.
5. You can literally count the good days you’ve shared. Relationships have good and bad days, for sure. And just because there are bad ones, doesn’t mean the relationship is toxic. But toxic relationships are FULL of bad ones. The fighting and being mad at each other are endless—or rather, are the norm.
6. You always feel like crying when you’re with him. The negative air that’s always present suffocates you and you just can’t stand it anymore. You don’t know how your relationship turned to this direction, but it did. You really just want to cry because it seems like a lost cause, but you do your best to keep the happy, light-hearted façade. This shoves a lump in your throat, and you feel like you’re drowning.
7. You can’t really express your thoughts to him. You’ve opened up to him, but he didn’t respond well. Sometimes, he just smiles when you need and want him to say something to you, converse with you.
8. He also can’t talk to you. As much as you try to appear like everything is good with you, he knows you’re not okay. You’re not the only one who feels constricted; he does, too. And he’s afraid to confront you or simply open up to you because you might not take things well—you hardly ever took them well (so he thinks). You guys just end up fighting.
9. At least one of you is passive aggressive. Because you can’t talk to each other, you talk about him on social media, hoping he’ll get how miserable he’s making you feel, how angry you are at him, and what he’s doing wrong. Little do you know you’re hurting each other even more.
10. You tell him to ditch the friends you don’t like, which is horrible. You can’t stand their perfect selves; you’re overly envious of them. They threaten you with their bond. You want to be the only thing in his life, really.
11. You keep putting yourself down. It’s not enough that you feel like an ugly person. You tell yourself that you are. You don’t really know why you do this; you just tell yourself that it’s true. </3
12. You can’t trust him. You always doubt his kindness and his love for you. You seem to push him away because you want to see him come back to you over and over again. You can’t seem to understand that he’s there for you just like you’re there for him. It could be caused by the lack of communication between you two, so whatever problems you have are never completely resolved.
Follow Stephanie on Twitter.