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"I Lost My Boyfriend And Best Friend To Each Other"

Do you remember me when you look at her?
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I broke up with my boyfriend three weeks before Christmas.

It had been a long time coming. We were together for three years, and we were talking about the future. In our heads, there is a house on a hill, a huge garage for all his cars, and a giant library with shelves of books for me. We have two kids.

We planned our whole future together, until one day, I woke up and decided I didn't want that future with him anymore. You can call my reason a complete cliche, but I broke up with him, because I felt like I needed to grow up without him.

Of course there was a lot of crying. For a month I questioned whether I had made the right decision, because I wasn't sure if I missed him or I missed the idea of him. But there I was, three months after the breakup, and I was okay.

That week, I found out my ex-boyfriend was dating my best friend.

The news didn't come from him. Or from her. I found out through another friend, and that broke me.

I felt incredibly stupid, cheated. I hatched this brilliant (more like insane) idea that I could march to my ex's house and key his car. Or throw eggs at his front door. You know, like that scene in The Fault in Our Stars

Until I realized I wasn't mad at him; I was mad at her.

My best friend sent me a long message on Facebook the night after I found out. She said it wasn't her fault. She said she had no choice, because things just happened. "Our friendship is stronger than this," she wrote. Well, yeah? So how come this happened?

It seemed like she was sorry she didn't tell me, but she wasn't sorry it happened.

I had no energy to reply, because there was no fight in me left.

My best friend was the first person I called when I ended things with my ex. A week after the breakup, I was eating a burrito on her living room couch, watching reruns of Master Chef. She took me shopping. She bought me ice cream. She was my person.

I've stopped talking to her now, and I don't plan to. I realized it was her choice.

Life gave her an option: Pick between a boy or your best friend. She picked the boy.

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I realized I didn't have room in my life for people who thought I was replaceable. So I surrounded myself with family and good people. Because when life hits you with something as difficult as this, it makes up for it by giving you other ridiculously awesome things. I went crazy shopping, got drunk with girlfriends, traveled more than I thought was possible, got promoted at work, went on dates with cute boys, reconnected with old friendsand loved it! 

I learned that it was possible to be in love with life on your own.

And that it was perfectly okay to let go of people who didn't fit into your life equation anymore. Some people were never meant to stay.

Some days I still think about them, and wonder if they talk about me or think about me. I doubt it. 

Some days I also wonder: When my ex-boyfriend looks at her, does he see me?