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8 Things Lesbians Think About Lesbian Porn

For one, why is there a man there?
PHOTO: istockphoto

Ah yes, lesbian porn: a cornerstone of the porn industry and also the reason that many lesbians don’t watch porn. It’s a fact of science that lesbian porn is made for straight men, despite being called, you know, “lesbian” porn. Of course there is a ton of great queer lady porn out there for queer ladies, but that’s not the subject of my investigation (investigaytion) (sorry). What I’m talking about is the stuff that comes up when you type “lesbian” into Pornhub, or HBO Go’s bizarrely accessible “Late Night” section that I accidentally click on like once a week. I think we could all agree that mainstream lesbian porn—even if some lesbians enjoy it which I’m sure they do—is just overall kind of like: Why?

Lesbians treat lesbian porn probably like a person from Italy treats Sbarro: some actually like it, some will only take part when they’re lonely or sad, but most stay clear at all costs because they’ve got much better back home. And while I don't speak for all lesbians, here are some thoughts lesbians would have if they watched lesbian porn. Which most don’t, to be clear, in case I wasn’t already:


1. I forgot literally all lesbians were blonde!

It’s so crazy that I forgot that as soon as you come out as a lesbian you have to dye your hair blonde. Literally all lesbians in lesbian porn are blonde. How could I have forgotten the most crucial aspect of lesbian existence after the flannel? We are all blonde.

2. NO lesbian has fingernails that long.

How are you supposed to text the sushi emoji—aka the lesbian version of the eggplant emoji, or at least that is a movement I am trying to start—let alone finger ANYONE with nails that are as long as the finger they are attached to? No lesbian would EVER subject anyone to long fingernails. No one wants to be accidentally Freddy Kruegered during sex.

3. Maybe it’s time for a rebrand?

It’s called “lesbian porn” but it neither features lesbians nor is for lesbians. It’s like if you opened a vegetarian restaurant and you only served bacon and hot dogs made by a guy who was also eating a hot dog. Which to be honest, sounds like a great restaurant, but you still can’t call it “vegetarian.” Maybe they (“They” is, I guess, the porn gods?) should start calling it “straight women having sex as a way to a lure a straight man into the room so they can have sex with him instead” porn.

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4. How come no one is cuddling while they discuss their feelings?

In my own experience, lesbian sex is book-ended with an intense emotional discussion and an openness to intimacy unparalleled elsewhere in human existence. How come they never discuss the ways their exes wronged them or the personal microaggressions they experienced that day living under the hetero-normative patriarchy? Not even a mention of a girl from work buying the same tote bag as her and pretending like she was the one who found the website of bags that were recycled from old library books written by women writers in the early 20th century? Doesn’t sound like lesbian sex to me.


5. Why is there a man there?

Hey, call me a prude, but I’ve never been dying for a man’s approval, or existence, during lesbian sex. That might just be me! But I don’t think it is! Why are there so many men in lesbian porn? At least call it bisexual porn or something. Also: does bisexual porn exist? Is that just a threesome? What happens when you search for bisexual porn? These are questions I can’t answer from the confines of my work computer during the middle of the day. Although my top secret gay intel sources (my roommate) have concluded that: “Everything that exists in the world exists in porn.” So that settles that.

6. IT’S! TOO! FAST!

Lesbians in lesbian porn are always in a crazy rush like it’s 5pm and Home Depot closes at 6. There’s no technique! They just jackhammer away at each other until someone orgasms. We all know there’s a lot of faking in porn in general, but there’s no way anyone could orgasm from the things they do in lesbian porn. No one likes to be rushed!

7. There’s always one “penis-like” thing.

This is a fun game you can play with friends: find the one penis-like object that appears in every lesbian porn (episode?). Whether it’s a strap-on, a vibrator, a banana, or literally any cylinder like thing: there is always one and the women in the video are way too obsessed with it. It basically just acts as a dick stand-in. No one can possibly be that interested in an inanimate object when there’s a real person right there.

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8. No seriously, why is there a man there?

Why are there so many men? In lesbian porn and in the entire world?? Just kidding, I’m just talking about lesbian porn. I guess there’s no way around it: most porn is made for men, whether it’s lesbian porn or any other type. I guess that’s why a girl I knew freshman year of college made a DVD that was only the L Word sex scenes. Lesbians: we don’t have porn, but we love a good DIY craft project.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.