10 Things Guys Do When Girls Aren't Around

"For the boys only."
by Anton D. Umali
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Don’t be surprised if there are certain activities your guy reserves for himself or his bros. As you gals probably already know, the more masculine (and sometimes less polite, less polished, and less subtle) of the sexes harbor behaviors that they’d probably want to keep within the realm of "FOR THE BOYS ONLY."

Just like your unrelenting convos about Ryan Gosling and makeup, unending shopping sprees, and unnerving habit of getting dressed with no sense of urgency, men have their own quirks and trips that you (sometimes) shouldn’t fault them for. Take your exclusion from these things as a blessing rather than looking at it as mere shunning. Pulling back the curtain fully to expose the wizard might just leave you disappointed...or at the very least, grossed out. 

CHAT ON VIBER

If women create little nooks online to voice their opinions about their man-troubles, then don’t be shocked that dudes do the same thing too. A little online space to rant about the gf, swap relationship advice (and maybe sexy pictures of scantily clad chicks on Instagram), or a virtual rendezvous for boys' night out keeps him sane and in constant communication with the buds. Plus, it’s also an avenue to…

GEEK OUT

He might be sick of you and your friends’ conversations about the never-ending saga that is PLL or the misguided drama of Nina Dobrev’s (hot!) VD (ha ha, VD, get it?). So when the ladies are nowhere in sight, guys are able to chat about that killer Game of Thrones episode, the latest in NBA news, or that new Batman comic he just purchased. Everyone has their own tastes in pop-culture, and although geeking out might deter from his coolness quotient, most girls hate it even more when their beau ditches them to...

PLAY VIDEOGAMES 

Think of it this way: wouldn’t you rather have him at home with his hands on a gaming console’s remote control than on another woman’s breasts? Yeah, thought so.  

AVOID SHOWERS/BRUSHING TEETH

Crass as it may sound, if guys had it their way, they’d bathe at the end of the day and brush their teeth only when need be. But then of course there are day jobs and ladyloves to inspire good grooming.

UNABASHED FLATULENCE

The capacity to hold gas in depends on a man’s closeness to his girlfriend. Preventing release isn’t easy, but making the effort is classy. So when he’s alone or among fellow fart-harbingers, you can count on some nose-tightening air slashing via the bum.

WATCH PORN

It’s the much younger fellas who tend to fancy and hold porno-screening sessions–think high school up to college—that age when getting laid seems like an unattainable fantasy. But any man who tells you that he doesn’t watch porn in his alone time is lying through his teeth. Keep your insecurities at bay, because as long as he isn’t addicted and the relationship isn’t getting affected, think of adult videos as his form of research.

TALK ABOUT SEX

Girls will never admit that they talk about sex amongst themselves. But of course you do. And so do men. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not as if he’s kissing and telling when he confides about his sex life to his most trusted brothers. It’s a totally different story if he’s preaching and bragging to strangers. But if he’s seeking guidance to better his performance in bed, then a little note-swapping here and there might even work to your advantage.  

GETTING TURNT

Or piss-ass drunk from too many hits off the beer bong. Or so stoned out of his mind that he can’t tell left from right. Although getting inebriated might sound immature, suppressing hedonistic tendencies can only lead to imminent implosion. And sure enough, he’ll do this when you’re not around. Because when you’re present, he needs to tend to you, make sure you don’t get turnt yourself, and drive you safely home. Sweet, right?

GO TO A STRIP CLUB

It’s the age-old stress reliever of men: having a drink while watching a lusty lady dance as she sheds one article of clothing at a time. The guys will never take the girls to a beer house, unless they want to experience it for themselves. There’s a seedy, somewhat rebellious appeal to patronizing these sorts of establishments that some women will never understand. But it doesn’t necessarily make it right, especially if the guy in question is in a relationship. At least there’s always that hall pass when a buddy gets engaged: bring on the stag parties!

MASTURBATE

Alone, lonely, and in need of some instant-gratification? He’ll probably fap off just for the hell of it. Hey, you know what they say:  don’t knock it 'til you’ve tried it. And besides, masturbation is healthy and it’s sex with someone you love.

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