15 Ways To Get Over A Breakup Like A Grown Woman

There's no better time than after a huge heartbreak for a total life renovation.
by Anna Breslaw
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1. Either block or unfriend him on Facebook, because that shit will be the death of you.
Maybe you assume you are a reasonable and mature lady-human who can handle seeing the occasional reminder of him on your Facebook timeline. You're both grown-ups, right! What's a little "Bora 2014" album popping up on your feed? Noooo. There will be a really pretty girl in his arms in every picture, and you will feel like you want to punch your computer screen. 

2. Don't immediately suggest to "stay friends" — and if he does, tell him you need to think about it.
This is an impulse because you don't want to seem like you care too much about the breakup. Because you're so chill. You're so chill that your heart isn't beating. Aaand, you're dead. But truthfully, during this stilted, awkward breaking up period, it's hard to tell whether you'll be able to be friends or not. Generally, one person wants to be friends and the other wants to be more. Gotta work that shit out before it can be a healthy friendship…if it ever can be. You're not admitting defeat by not staying friends with him.

3. If you feel an impulse to get drunk alone, call some friends instead. It's the worst being alone and sad and drunk.

At least be sad with people you love! We've all been heartbroken—it's not like they'll judge you for drinking wine with dirty hair in pajamas.

4. If you want to drunk-text, get your friend to take your phone away or throw it in a volcano.
Oh, the number of times I have drunk-texted something cryptic to an ex at 2 a.m. and assumed if he texts back, he still has feelings for me. Drunk-texting an ex is a two-steps-forward-one-step-back slide down the rabbit hole. Him replying, "nothing," to your booze-fueled, "sup," does not mean you'll have be back together in the morning.

5. Begin some kind of intense, rage-based workout routine.
Maybe this isn't a good time for yoga! Maybe it's a good time for something new, like kickboxing. Really get some of that negative stuff out.

6. Spend a lot of time outside. 

It's a cliché, but fresh air really does clear your head. So does, you know, seeing the sun every once in a while. Take at least two hours from each day just to leave your Cave of Forgotten Dreams and interact with The Outside.

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7. Rebound with one incredibly hot guy, if that's what you want, and then give yourself some time to decompress and remember who you are.
If you've had one rebound, you've had them all, in this woman's opinion.

8. If you start dating someone else, take it really slow. 

Dude. You just ended a relationship and your heart flipped over and exploded like a tanker in a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. If you take it step by step and enjoy it as a casual thing for a while, that'll give you some time to evaluate whether you're actually ready to be with someone again or if you're just ready to have really hot sex with them in an elevator once in a while.

9. Allow yourself to cry when you need to. 

Thus preventing a giant tidal wave of #feels to wash over you in the workplace, or Starbucks, or anywhere else inappropriate. If you don't, you'll repress your feelings until you break down in the office pantry while you're microwaving your pasta and that passive-aggressive asshole Anna comes over and takes you to the women's bathroom and murmurs a bunch of vaguely religious-sounding proverbs like, "This too shall pass." And then every time you and Anna make contact afterwards, it will be weird.

10. If you get a Facebook invite to his best friend's party ... stay home, put a face mask on, eat Mcdo, and watch Disney movies.
There is always a strong temptation to show up with a fresh blowout and a low-cut J.Lo Grammy's dress, and grind with his friend that you hate just to make him jealous. Eat your heart out, you think to yourself as you do a nasty seventh grade dance grind with the guy you once referred to as "yung gwapong-gwapo sa sarili." Actually, assuming his best friend is some guy you don't really care about, going to that party still makes it all about him—not your emotional well-being. And seeing him will just pick the scab open.

11. Don't scheme to get him back — scheme to get yourself back.
Get some solid book recs, join a pickup sports game, go on a trip somewhere with a girlfriend. Paint your bathroom; I don't care. Just do something for yourself.

12. Write him heartbroken letters and never send them. 

Get it all out—on paper, so as to avoid accidentally sending them. (E is for the "Extremely messed up way you treated me." R is for "the rage I feel." I is for "I will never love again." C is for "I HATE YOU YOU DICKHEAD, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME." Sent from reallyreallysad@gmail.com.)

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13. Avoid posting the details on Facebook.
Or Twitter. Or Instagram. Or Tumblr. Live ya life! Airing your grievances on social media is not good for anyone, and it'll be embarrassing later. Who's gonna read it, anyway? Tita Susan? That girl you were once group mates with in college?

14. Take baths.
Baths are half wallowing and half cleansing/pampering, and thus are perfect for breakups. When's the last time you really filled up your tub (clean it first, please) and had a good soak with a glass (bottle) of wine? Showers are not for the recently dumped.

15. Stop blaming yourself and thinking things like, "If only I'd watched more basketball games with him/lost some weight/was cooler." 

It takes two to break up—the problem wasn't just you, it was you two as a couple. It's almost reverse-narcissistic to blame yourself that much! If you try to look at the relationship from the outside, maybe you'll have an easier time seeing how you both contributed to the breakup. "If only" killed the dinosaurs. (Actually an asteroid did, but let's not quibble.)

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.

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