6 No-BS Tips From The Dating Coach

If you're not getting asked out on second dates, or worse, not getting asked out at all, heed this helpful (and yeah, at times harsh) advice.
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It’s tough to understand why guys say they are going to call and then don’t follow through. But, instead of wasting time overanalyzing all the possibilities with girlfriends, we went directly to a guy (a hot one, by the way). On his VH1 show Tough Love, professional matchmaker Steven Ward puts women through a rigorous dating boot camp and helps them banish their bad habits. Now, he does the same for you by spelling out the top six dating mistakes women make...and explaining how to correct course.

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PROBLEM 1: You’re Dressing For Girls, Not Guys

THE FIX: Women rarely get that what’s cute to their friends is usually the opposite of what guys think is sexy. In a bar or on a first date, your goal is to lure him in. That said, there are a few key things you should avoid: baby doll dresses (they make women look heavier than they are...or pregnant), boyfriend jeans (we’d like to see the shape of your butt, please), and flats (I get that you wear them because they’re comfortable, but so are sweatpants, and you wouldn’t wear those on a date. I hope. Put on some heels).

To be honest, men don’t really care what’s in style—as far as we’re concerned, Yves Saint Laurent is just a hard-to-pronounce name. We want to see you in something that shows off your figure, but isn’t sleazy (that sends a message of desperation). If in doubt, go with body-hugging jeans, a sexy top, and heels.

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PROBLEM 2: You Give TMI

THE FIX: I’m going to let you in on a secret: When meeting a girl, a guy will go on and on about himself, because he’s trying to get laid. We know if we reveal lots of personal information, you’ll feel comfortable and let your guard down. However, if you offer too many personal details, a guy will probably think you’re annoying, nervous, or just inappropriately giving TMI...and get freaked out or turned off. Yep, it’s a double standard.

Also, when women give away tons of information, it often sounds like complaining. For instance, don’t tell him how busy you are at work, that you got wasted on Saturday and felt awful the next day, or how you can’t stand guys who like fantasy NBA—even if all those things are true. Men are repelled by overly negative women.

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Furthermore, some girls are boring storytellers. (Often notice people’s attention drifting while you’re talking? You’re a boring storyteller.) Keep that impulse in check and give yourself some guidelines. If the story takes longer than two minutes and is about your mother or your boss, his attention has already wandered over to the waitress’ ass. In fact, if he goes to the bathroom multiple times, I can guarantee you he’s doing it to check his phone and make plans for later that night.

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PROBLEM 3: You Text Before There’s Touching

THE FIX: In the early stages of dating, less is more when it comes to technology. Women will convince themselves that it’s okay to check in via text or start up a text conversation with a guy after a first or second date. I can’t be more clear about this: Don’t do it! When you text him arbitrarily, he immediately thinks you’re clingy and loses interest because the thrill of the hunt is over. We know you’re trying to bait us to call you, so you’re just sabotaging yourself.

My rule: Until you have had sex—or at least engaged in some pretty serious fooling around—don’t have any e-conversations. Make him work for your attention by pursuing you with actual phone calls and asking you out on dates. If you want more than a casual fling but you allow it to slip into the “let’s text and meet out” bullshit, he is likely just going to see if he can get in your pants without making any real effort. The only thing you should ever send in the early stages is a logistical communication, such as “I’m running five minutes late.”

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PROBLEM 4: You Think Being Unavailable Makes You More Desirable

THE FIX: Another one of the biggest errors that women tend to make is being unnecessarily rigid with their schedules. Yeah, of course guys want for you to have a life, but we get irritated when you tell us that you can’t fit us in for two weeks. It makes you sound high-maintenance, inflexible, and even kind of full of it.

That’s right, we’re on to you. We know you act busy to seem more attractive and interesting. So, instead of making it sound like a date is a surprise inconvenience or saying you’re booked for the next seven days, skip your Bikram yoga class that week or just record your favorite show. (Seriously, if you’re not getting asked out on many dates, should you really be staying in to watch Grey’s Anatomy?)

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A man, you see, would like to think he wears the pants—whether he really does or not—so help him feel confident. On the first couple of dates, agree to agree. Be available. Be up for going anywhere. His responsibility is to make the date as fun, cool, and entertaining as possible. Your responsibility is to make it easy for him to do that.

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PROBLEM 5: You Won’t Put Down That Damn Cellphone

THE FIX: Checking your phone when you’re around new guys is like answering the phone during sex. A good guideline: Pretend you’re on an airplane and turn off all electronic devices. While you may be trying to look like you have lots of friends or you’re a big deal at work, it’s really unappealing. Even if you are truly busy, he’ll think that you are being disrespectful or are just not interested.

Even worse, a guy doesn’t want to worry that you’re providing minute-by-minute Facebook updates about your date or firing off details about him to your friends via text. If you must check work emails or are determined to fill in your friends about how it’s going, do so quickly…in the confines of a bathroom stall.

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PROBLEM 6: You’re Not Asking The Right Questions

THE FIX: I’ve said it before: Men are naturally narcissistic, and we want to talk about ourselves, so asking us questions is always a winning strategy. But, there are parameters. You want to avoid explosive topics like religion and politics. You’d be surprised just how many women try to stir up controversy because they think it helps them stand out and seem intriguing.

Instead of trying to find out where your views differ, take the opportunity to establish some common ground. Sports, entertainment, and travel are almost always safe topics. Ask him if he plays sports or if he’s seen a new movie that you’ve seen…or simply bring up a subject you know something about, like wine, and ask him whether he’s into it, too.

Look, a guy feels important and interesting when he’s asked questions he can expound on...and when he feels important and interesting, he thinks that the date is going well and you two have really clicked.

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