Hey, baby. I'm going to get you in the mood by squeezing your boobs as hard as I can. Is this working for you?
2. Dry hump.
Let's get it started in here. Let me grind my pubic bone onto your exposed hip bone as hard as I can like I'm trying to start a friction fire.
3. Ask to have sex.
Yeah, let's set the mood by timidly asking you if we can engage in sex. Maybe we'll send you an Outlook event titled "boning" for your calendar so you can know exactly when it's going down.
4. Leave to pee.
In our defense, sometimes it feels like thousands of tiny needles are struggling to escape our urethra. Still, it doesn't help when we go running off to the bathroom when you're halfway to climax.
It doesn't matter if it happens before or during, that single note coming out of his butt is heralding the death of your libido.
"But we didn't have sex last night. Please, can you just give me a hand job or something?" There's something really creepy about whining like a little kid over not having sex.
7. Skip foreplay.
Let me just poke you with my penis until you're properly lubricated. Like, yeah, this counts as sex the same way Nickelback counts as music: the components are technically there, it's just a really shitty experience.
8. Come like, immediately.
Hey, after your body works itself up in a fervor and you get all ready to have some great sex, we're just going to bust immediately, whisper, "Oh no, sorry," and then fall asleep. This is more disappointing than the series finale of How I Met Your Mother.
9. Crush you under our body weight.
It's tough to enjoy everything going on when you can barely breathe and your arms are falling asleep.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor changes have been implemented by Cosmo.ph editors.