10 Non-F*ckboy Sex Rules Every Guy Should Follow

Thou shalt not leave the used condom hanging off the top of the garbage can.
by Julia Pugachevsky
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One of the benefits of having sex in a long-term relationship is that you can, over time, discuss the things that slightly annoy you. But casual sex is tricky—people are more likely to never see someone again than honestly critique the hookup experience if it was subpar for easily-fixable reasons. So here are 10 hookup etiquette rules that every 10/10, would-bone-again guy should follow:

1. Getting you off, or at least really trying to. 

Ugh, don’t be that “nice guy” who offers to go down on you, performs a few aimless licks far from any erogenous zone, and then immediately asks for a blow job.

2. Providing the condom. 

Women have to deal with IUDs, daily pills, monthly vaginal rings, or routine shots for the sake of preventing pregnancy. The least, the absolute least a guy can do is bring the condom to cover the STI part. Oh, and one from a box on his nightstand—NOT some prehistoric, probably-torn wrapper buried in his wallet. 

3. Disposing of said condom discreetly. 

AKA: not tossed on the floor, leaving behind a splotch of crusty splooge that will haunt me until I finally clean it myself. And not plopped at the very top of the bathroom trash can pile for every roommate/visiting parent to gawk at. Just like, wrap it in some tissue and tuck it to the side, ok?

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4. Having lube on hand. 

Nothing sucks more than being genuinely turned on but falling prey to latex rub after round two. The ~dream~ is a guy who'll actually notice that the girl is uncomfortable, offer some water-based lube, and continue where you both left off. Also, can we please have one rom-com where this happens?

5. Giving you the towel first. 

Lying there while he takes his sweet time wiping himself down (and then absentmindedly forgetting to hand me the towel) is the definition of hell, honestly. Think of the discomfort of a wet swimsuit, but stickier.

6. Offering stuff one should offer any guest. 

Yes, part of being a good hookup buddy overlaps with stuff moms do when their friends come over. Offering water, for sure. An extra blanket, if he needs the aircon on but it’s objectively too cold for most people. Snacks are optional, but obviously highly recommended.

7. Putting on real clothes if he’s using the bathroom at my place. 

Yeah, I’d like to be spared the awkwardness of knowing one of my roommates bumped into some guy I brought home while he was only in his boxer-briefs. Pleaaaaaase put on pants.

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8. Being chill around his roommates when he brings you home. 

No one wants or needs a big introduction, he doesn’t need to explain the nature of the relationship, he doesn’t need to do anything but act normal. Nothing feels as shady as indirectly (but very clearly) hiding me. 

9. Not urging you to leave ASAP. 

If hes in such a rush, he should come over my place so he can bounce whenever. He does not set a 7 a.m. alarm for me to be out by 7:15, or sneakily order a car and nervously hover as I struggle to lace up my gladiator heels.

10. Not launching the “FYI, not looking for anything serious” talk after sex. 

One, if we’re hooking up regularly, catching feelings is the small risk taken by both parties, and no amount of verbal prep will change that. Two, it’s suuuuuper presumptuous and condescending to assume women are pretending to be chill while secretly plotting to lure men into a relationship. Bruh, we met at a bar where you can ring a gong for free shots. I’m not looking for marriage.

Follow Julia on Twitter.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.

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