13 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Ever Tried Shower Sex

It's not that ~sexy~.
by Hannah Smothers
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A fun part of sex is trying new things. Some of these things turn out to be great—lube is essentially an objective good and positions that aren't missionary can be very fun and nice. Other things can be filed under "tried once, never again," like 69ing, for instance. And then there's this whole pool of things that either seem to be the best or the absolute worst, depending on the day—shower sex is one of those things.

That said, try it! Because why not. To help ease any of your shower sex concerns, here are 12 things grown women wish they'd known before venturing off dry land for sex.

1. It's not going to look at all the way it does in whatever fantasy vision you have in your head. 

Bodies are weird. Especially when they're crammed into a little booth filled with running water. Whatever you've seen on TV or in some steamy movie is going to be inaccurate, unless it showed two people falling over and hitting their heads on shower tile for eight awkward minutes.

2. Unless you live in a mansion, your shower is probably built for one person. 

Basically one person is going to be constantly under a stream of water, and one person is going to be constantly freezing because they are standing outside of said stream of water. 



3. It won't make sense AT FIRST to bring lube into the shower. 

But it will make sense very fast. Water–something that is so slippery you're not allowed to run near swimming pools—is somehow sticky and friction-y when in the vicinity of sex. Water-based lube is a thing. Water as lube is not.

4. The trust you have in your Big Good Boyfriend to hold you up will diminish significantly. 

Your vision of shower sex probably includes this very macho scene in which your strong and ample boyfriend is holding you up against the (slippery) shower wall, thrusting away. But guess what, my friend. The moment you realize that if this sucker drops you, you may both die and be found hours later on the shower floor by your roommate, your trust in his ability to hoist you up will be shot to hell.

5. Any attempts at oral sex are going to end in someone drowning. 

If you find a way to *not* get a mouthful of water during shower oral, please share with the class.

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6. You will suddenly feel very self-conscious about any gross mildew piling up on the tiles. 

The shower is a private place where people usually go to be alone and scrub all the dirt off themselves. Which is to say, it's not an atmospheric dream. There's mildew, there's grungey stuff probably stuck to your shampoo bottles, there's a smattering of loofahs that should be thrown out—it's gross in there!

7. There are truly only a couple of positions that won't make you fear for your life. 

They don't yet manufacture helmets for shower sex but they should, and when they do, I'd like at least partial credit. It's a dangerous and wild world in there. Extra protection is necessary. 

8. You can, in fact, sweat in the shower. 

You would think that the shower—a place where you are meant to be getting clean—would be prohibitive to sweat. But once things get steamy (hee hee sorry), you'll realize this isn't true. You sweat during sex outside of the shower, and inside of the shower things are no different.

9. It's not a bad way to maneuver largely mess-free period sex. 

Not that there's anything unsexy or wrong about throwing a towel down on the bed, but if that's not your scene or you've run out of grubby towels, shower sex is a very economical way to shag during that time of the month.

10. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to have shower sex. 

If you're not enjoying it, it's not because you're "doing it wrong." That's bullshit. There are people who swear by shower sex, and there are plenty of other people who do it once or twice and never again. Both things are fine! It can't be, and isn't, for everyone.

11. You'll need to shower again after shower sex. 

Because you probably won't get much shampooing done. And also because your partner may be struck by a brief moment of romance and ask to soap you down for you, and they're just not going to be able to get in all your nooks and crannies the way you do.

12. It's fine to think of shower sex as foreplay to sex on dry land. 


In fact this may be the best way to think of shower sex, because it is...damn near impossible to actually finish in the shower.

13. The best part about this whole thing will be laughing about it with your partner. 

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And that is totally cool and fine. Sex is funny. If you can't laugh about the time you accidentally elbowed your partner's stomach while you were trying to use a loofah to catch your fall, what CAN you laugh about?

Follow Hannah on Twitter.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.

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