First, some science: makeup things make women 8.5 times happier than men do.
Okay, we invented this statistic. It’s a total lie. Makeup actually makes women 9.5 times happier than men do.
For something that gives so much joy to girls, though, us men barely understand beauty stuff. Heck, we don’t even know the difference between foundation and concealer. (But if one of your guy friends actually does know the difference between foundation and concealer...well.)
If we can’t even nail the basics right, what hope do we have of understanding these newfangled beauty trends? S.O.S. to all women! We need you to explain...
1. Nail art
We’re not just talking about plain colored nails. We’re talking glitter. We’re talking beads. We’re talking about nail bling so elaborate that it will weigh your fingers down and actually reduce your typing speed. Do you really want beauty to get in the way of productivity?
2. Long nails
And since we’re on the subject of nails! We don’t quite get the beauty-enhancing appeal of long nails, but we do appreciate their practicality. Those talons could definitely double as deadly weapons. Wolverine with boobs, yeah?
If eyes are the windows to the soul, then are falsies those floral plastic shower curtains you hung up outside by mistake? Don’t ask us, though. We’re not just bad at makeup, we’re bad at interior design, too.
4. Bongga eyeliner
Scary shit, really.
5. Orange lipstick
Wow! This is a thing! This is actually a thing! Girls never fail to surprise us. The next logical step would be to make orange-flavored orange lipstick, which would totally rock makeout sessions. Calling all the powdered juice companies to get into this line of business, stat.
6. Shiny blush
When we look at your eyes, we see the beauty of the stars, the comets, the whole unfolding cosmos. When we glance at your cheeks, we can kinda see the same.
7. Lotion on the hands
Because when girls put lotion on their hands, it’s to keep the skin on their palms soft and supple, like a baby’s undiapered bottom. But when guys put lotion on their hands... Ahem.
8. Hair chalk
We can’t even begin to imagine how this works. Do you scribble on your hair? Does it come with a blackboard eraser? Can you throw it at students who can’t seem to stop talking in class? Oh look, a hair chalk tutorial!
A girl’s face makeup is just like an onion, or a Photoshop file: it contains many layers. Thick, cake-y layers, as if our metaphors weren’t confused enough—all for the express purpose of turning your face a shade lighter. Sigh. Complexion in Southeast Asian countries is such a “complex” issue—get it? Get it? Complexion? Complex? Never mind.
10. The Amount of Time It Takes To Put On Makeup
Of all the beauty mysteries we wish we could answer, this would be number one on our list. Ars longa, vita brevis—life is short, art is long. But makeup, the art you practice everyday while we wait outside the bathroom and watch TV, is even longer.