1. Will José begin every one of his lines by saying, "Ay dios mío?"
Like he did in the book?
2. Will Christian really spank Ana?
How many times can you get sex-slapped in a movie that's only rated R?
3. And if he spanks her, will it make a sound?
Maybe there'll be a mishap in the sound studio and every time he touches her butt, the Law & Order "dun dun" will play.
4. Will Kate Kavanagh always be referred to by both her first and last names?
And how many times will she be seen wearing pink pajamas?
5. Is Jamie Dornan going to be able to say "crack whore" with a straight face?
I know I can't.
6. And can he sustain a believable American accent for a full hour and 40 minutes?
They should have just let him keep his Northern Irish accent, because everyone knows non-American accents automatically make people 100 percent hotter.
7. Will they really email each other constantly?
Or start texting like normal people who live in the year 2015?
8. If they do email, will we get to see their insanely detailed subject-line changes played out on-screen?
Who in the world has ever, ever, ever replied to an email and bothered to change the subject line?
9. Who's going to get worse reviews for their acting: Dakota or Jamie?
Ideally they'll both get amazing reviews, but this is a mean world and you can't please everybody.
10. Do they really not have any chemistry?
Certain photo shoots indicate that rumors of their aversion to one another are greatly exaggerated, but only time and at least two or three viewings will tell.
11. Is it better to see it alone or with company?
One of these things is less awkward than the other. But which?!
12. Will Jamie have a Ben-Affleck-in-Gone-Girl shadow penis moment?
There's allegedly no full-frontal, but Sam Taylor-Johnson has indicated that maybe —maybe—there could be a slip. Say your prayers, ladies.
13. How thick will the sex contract be?
And will we see every single word of it written out, as we did in the book?
14. Are Ana's inner goddess and subconscious going to appear as animations on her shoulder like devil/angel cartoons of yore?
For the love of all that is holy, this needs to happen.
15. Is Christian really going to say "laters, baby" out loud?
16. Is Ana really going to say "double crap" out loud?
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.