Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele are finally back in our lives in the new Fifty Shades Darker film—how we missed them. Here's a rundown of eleven things from the new movie that made us go "WTF?". Spoilers ahead!
1. When Anastasia tells Christian to kiss her, but not on her face lips, if you catch our drift.
It's not that we're too childish to have an adult conversation about cunnilingus, but when you're a mere 10 minutes into the film and Jamie Dornan's head is all up in Dakota Johnson's vag, it's kind of hard not to feel very aware of the stranger sitting next to you in the cinema.
2. When Christian transfers Anastasia $24,000.
Which he earns every 15 minutes, btw (HOW? He's legit never at work and when he is, he just crashes a helicopter and comes home again... more on that later). To be fair to Anastasia, at first she is all like, "No, I don't want your money, I earn my own money." But cut to the next scene and they're having breakfast like nothing happened. THERE'S $24,000 IN YOUR ACCOUNT, ANASTASIA.
3. When Christian gives Anastasia some vaginal beads to wear to a ball.
We don't really even need to explain why that's a ridiculous concept, but it's just how casual the whole act is.
Christian: "I want you to wear these beads."
Anastasia: "Cool with me, just don't put them up my bum."
Christian: "Brilliant, can't wait for you to meet my Mom and Dad again."
HE WANTS HER TO WEAR VAGINAL BEADS TO HIS MOM AND DAD'S PARTY AND SHE IS OK WITH IT. Most people are worried about making a good impression with the parents; not these guys.
On a side note, Christian says he needs to "wet them first" and their solution is to get Anastasia to pop one in her mouth for about a second. Sorry, Christian, but come back when you've got a gallon of lube and we'll briefly consider inserting beads into our genitals.
4. When Anastasia says, "You know I love to work."
Which is ridiculous because we have only seen Anastasia behind a desk for all of 30 seconds. Plus every time she is at work, she's texting Christian really abrupt messages with lots of full stops and no kisses. Priorities, babes.
5. And when she gets promoted from Assistant to Editor in a month.
So yeah Anastasia "loves to work" as an assistant at a publishing house—although she can't even commit to a work trip because she doesn't want to leave Christian for a weekend. Anyway, Ana's boss is a terrible human being and without going into detail, he gets fired. Which is great news for Ana, because after only one month in her job, she gets promoted to Editor, all because she said one useful comment in one meeting. As someone who works in the creative industry, let me tell you this NEVER, EVER happens. Also, her flat on an assistant wage: not a chance.
6. When Christian makes a grown woman kneel.
So Christian's ex sub, Leila, has turned stalker and turns up at Anastasia's flat with a gun because... well, they've got one hour and 58 minutes to fill. The entire scene is probably the most ridiculous of the entire film, but somehow Christian manages to miraculously save the day by telling Leila to kneel and stroking her head... Too much.
7. When Christian casually works out on a pommel horse.
He has a pommel horse—you know, that thing they jump over in gymnastics.
8. When Christian "crashes" his helicopter.
We cut to the next scene and Christian is flying his helicopter over some mountains, with no context whatsoever, but hey, who needs a plot when Jamie Dornan looks so dreamy. He even makes the national news because his chopper has gone missing (no, not that chopper). Anastasia is crying, "we had no time"—don't worry, babes, you've still gotta shoot that third film together, so I'm sure he'll be fine.
9. When Christian casually turns up after his "crash."
Christian's family has been worried sick; in fact they've all come to his house to pray for his safe return. But when he casually walks through the door two minutes later with a few "soot marks," they're all like, "Cool, you're home. Anyway it's late. See you tomorrow for your birthday party that's still gonna go ahead despite your trauma." BECAUSE CHRISTIAN, WE ALL KNEW YOU WEREN'T DEAD.
10. When Rita Ora asks Anastasia for help with Christian's birthday present.
And Ana doesn't even know it's his birthday, which is only made worse by the fact that Christian proposed to Anna the night before. YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY THIS MAN AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIS BIRTHDAY.
11. When Christian's mom finds out about Mrs. Robinson.
There's an awkward exchange at Christian's birthday bash when his mom finds out that her best friend had sex with her son. Yeah, we told you it was awkward. I mean, I think my mom would be pretty upset at this news, but Mrs. Grey gives her a quick slap then heads outside to enjoy some fireworks. As you do.
Christian, Anastasia, we love you really.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.co.uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.