I have a serious question. Do you think that any of the people responsible for New Year's Eve scenes in romantic comedies have ever actually celebrated New Year's Eve IRL? I'm going to make the bold assumption that no, they have not. With the exception of Bridget Jones sucking down mimosas only a day after making a resolution to drink less, the characters who celebrate NYE in movies might as well be throwing confetti at a completely fictitious holiday. Here is proof that rom-coms completely miss the mark when it comes to New Year's Eve.
People Generally Make Plans
To be fair, it would be pretty boring if movies accurately depicted the full pain-in-the-ass process of making NYE plans. I really don't want to watch a group of friends argue about when to purchase event tickets or see characters reading Facebook posts from party hosts explaining where to park. Still, it was pretty ridiculous for Sex and the City: The Movie to expect us to believe that type-A Miranda wouldn't have made the realization that she'd be spending the holiday alone before the night-of. (Mostly, because we all know that Carrie is pretty selfish, and probably wouldn't actually be convinced to get out of bed IN THE SNOW to trek downtown in heeled booties.)
Before you say that the SATC characters are too old to really care about hitting up a promoter to find the best NYE party weeks in advance, let me remind you that Gabriella Montez and Troy Bolton were just wandering around a weird party at a ski resort with NO PLANS WHATSOEVER when they got suckered into perfectly harmonizing a karaoke rendition of "Start Of Something New" in High School Musical. (Don't even get me started on the fact that neither of them had ever even heard that song before. NOBODY is that good at karaoke!) In what world is anyone approaching NYE with a "well, I'll just get dressed up and see where the night takes me!" mentality?
You Can't Just Drop By Times Square Whenever You Feel Like It
Remember in New Year's Eve when everyone was able to just show up in Times Square on a whim right before the clock strikes midnight? Well, you can't actually do that. The New Year's Eve Ball gets set up around 6 p.m. each year, and the countdown starts at around 10 p.m. That means that people start gathering to grab the good spots much earlier in the day. Even if you were to somehow magically show up and weasel your way towards the front, the odds of being able to find the exact person you're looking for almost effortlessly are nonexistent.
"Auld Lang Syne" Is Not On Anyone's Playlist
Can we stop pretending that everyone actually listens to "Auld Lang Syne"? I'd be willing to bet that the majority of the people at any given New Year's Eve party in 2018 don't even know what that Scottish folk song is called, let alone have plans to drop it onto a NYE playlist. If you're in the "what the hell is 'Auld Lang Syne'?" camp, you can find the song in most of the videos in this article. It's in almost every single media representation of New Year's Eve; Lea Michele sings it in New Year's Eve, it plays in the SATC New Year's montage, and Harry asks Sally about it after spilling his feelings.
Whoever is responsible for the aux cord at the NYE party you'll be attending this year probably has other musical plans. Remember last year, when everyone was providing suggestions of music to play so that you could start your year off perfectly? We're sure as hell not going to regress and listen to "Auld Lang Syne" at midnight, after revolutionizing NYE music a year ago.
Kissing Strangers At Midnight Is No Less Awkward On NYE
Is a first kiss with someone you barely know somehow ~romantic~ because it's conveniently placed at the end of the year? Eh, maybe if you're lucky, but in most cases, it's probably the exact same level of awkward as standing by yourself while all of the people around you pair off to smooch. There are approximately a million great reasons to skip the whole New Year's kiss thing. If you need a little inspo, just watch Blake Lively expertly turn down this creepy dude in The Age of Adaline.
It Wouldn't Be Cute For Your Ex To Show Up To Any Party, Ever
When, in the history of ever, has your ex's presence at a party improved your night? Never! I don't need science to back this up, it's just a freakin' fact. Nothing kills the mood like having someone you're trying to move on from show up and start loudly sharing their feelings in a room filled with people.
Having this happen on New Year's Eve doesn't make it any better. In fact, I'd argue that it would make it significantly worse. "New Year, new me" is a tried-and-true Instagram caption for a reason. December 31 is the best day to leave an ex's tired ass in the last calendar year!
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.