The list of birth control things guys have to worry about begins and ends with condoms. Literally, their biggest sex responsibility when it comes to not impregnating a woman is putting a piece of plastic around their penises and that's it. But those of us with uteruses have so much more to worry about. Which is why here are the 14 annoying birth control things guys will simply never understand.
1. Taking a pill at the exact same time every single day.
You may not manage to eat dinner at a reasonable hour every day and your bed may go unmade more often than not, but you're damn sure that at precisely 7:48 p.m. on the dot, you're popping that little baby-free pill.
2. Going into a blind panic when you realize your birth control alarm never went off that day.
Have you been sabotaged?!? Also when the f--- was the last time you had sex?! When was your period?! How do you know if you're ovulating?! Are you already carrying triplets?? S.O.S., HELP.
3. Being shocked by your own screams when you have an IUD inserted.
Yes, those ghoulish screams you hear are coming from your own mouth. Having one of the most effective forms of birth control out there makes the hellish fire pain in your cervix totally worth it, though.
4. Crossing your fingers that your patch doesn't fall off during a particularly steamy romantic shower.
So you went for it and decided to have shower sex. Are there any positions that allow you to keep eyes on your birth control patch the whole time? All he's gotta do is make sure that the condom stays firmly on his penis. Meanwhile you're doing Olympic-level contortions to ensure the little hormone patch that keeps you baby-free stays put.
5. Having to go to the doctor 800 times to find a birth control method you can tolerate.
For women, finding a method you don't hate means putting your body through some science experiment rigmarole and trying approximately 79 hormone combinations. Meanwhile, guys meander around an aisle of colorful condom packages, pluck whichever one they think looks best off the shelf, and call it a day. Seems fair!
6. Texting the group chat, "Should I get Plan B?!?!?!?!?!" after every little sexual mishap.
Sometimes the answer is clear. But usually, it isn't. Can you get pregnant if the condom came off but nothing seems to have spilled out of it? Can you get pregnant if you know you're not ovulating? What it all really comes down to is, How lucky do you feel today and are you prepared to have this Tinder dude's baby?
7. Overdrafting your bank account to buy Plan B, because that shit is still pretty expensive.
There are so many things you could buy with the amount you spend on birth control. That's, like... three books, or one fancy shirt, or four bottles of wine (if you play your cards right). But you also can't really put a price on ensuring you don't get pregnant with some guy's spawn, so, sigh, Plan B it is.
8. Puking your brains out because the IUD made your cramps a billion times worse.
God bless this little IUD buddy for keeping your uterus empty! But laying on the bathroom floor like a dead animal carcass while your boyfriend scratches his balls on the couch is cruel and unusual punishment.
9. Not getting your period because of your birth control and always being level-three paranoid you're pregnant.
So your doctor told you the hormonal IUD would probably make you skip periods. And yes, you know the thing is incredibly effective. But how on earth are you to find reassurance in being unpregnant if there's no monthly blood shower to confirm this fact?
10. When guys look at you with their big dumb eyes and say, "But it feels better without a condom."
DO MEN HAVE ANY IDEA. HOW HARD WOMEN WORK. TO FIND GOOD BIRTH CONTROL?! Also: STIs, dude. Put that thing on or get outta here.
11. Finding out the pills you've been taking for six years to stay unpregnant may also be what's causing your depression.
You always had the sinking suspicion your hormonal birth control was at the root of why you feel so bonkers sometimes, and now, that suspicion has been validated with real science. Being a woman is such a fun treat! Talk about a wild 'n fun roller coaster ride.
12. Realizing in horror that your Nuva Ring just popped out of your vagina in yoga class.
You were so content and relaxed in happy baby pose, legs spread wide, until you felt that familiar little feeling that means... Yup, your Nuva Ring just popped clean out of your vagina. LOVELY. How discreetly do you think you can meander this sucker back up there without anyone in the locker room noticing?
13. Hiding your Nuva Ring in an empty Tupperware in the fridge when your judgmental Tita visits.
Guys can hide their condoms away in a nightstand drawer, but your doctor said it'd probably be best to keep your Nuva Ring refrigerated, so there it is, sitting right next to the eggs. The only issue is when your slut-shamey Tita comes to visit and you don't want her to catch your birth control hanging out near the breakfast items. No one's gonna look in the veggie drawer, right?
14. Ultimately being the one burdened with the ever-present possibility of pregnancy and whatever consequences that may bring.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.