1. You can’t have your name as your username. You can’t be identified with just your first name or your nickname on social media, even if you add “the” before it. You tell yourself it’s okay; you can think of a cool pun to make up for it. So you spend minutes or hours trying to think of one, and when you finally have it, whoops! It’s taken. *keyboard smash*
2. Someone with your name got your ideal e-mail address. So someone else also has the same first name and last name? Do you have to put random numbers now on your e-mail? Or your year of birth? (You might regret that when you’re 52—if there’s still such a thing as emails.)
3. You turn every time you hear someone call your name and then find out you did it for nothing. You just want to say, “Thanks for wasting a second of my life, stranger.”
4. People still misspell your name. Where did the double ‘F’ come from? Or the extra 'E?' You stare at the wrong spelling, wondering “Why wasn’t I just asked? How could he even get it wrong? Am I expecting too much?”
5. You will date someone who also dated a [insert your name here]. Can anything be more awkward than this? He’ll tell you he likes you and he’ll say your name and then he’ll be reminded of his ex? Or moan YOUR NAMES during sex? And then you’ll picture them doing it? Nooooooo!
6. People have attached a number to your name. Stephanie 1, Stephanie 2, Stephanie 3? Are we in a sci-fi flick where last names have gone passé? And why can’t you be #1?
7. Being questioned in a government agency for alleged past criminal activities. You swear you did not kill or steal from anyone ever since you were born! (Okay, you remember stealing your seatmate’s crayon in kindergarten, but that was a long time ago and no one saw.) You begin to wonder if you have a split personality disorder, then you assert “That could be someone else with the same name!”
8. You receive messages that you find out later on aren’t for you. So much for panicking and being on the verge of crying while reading a confrontational letter.
9. You want to be casual when you introduce yourself so you think of saying your nickname, but there are so many people out there with the same name! You think of attaching your last name, but that beats the point of being really casual. Besides, the person you’re meeting might think your name is your nickname and last name. Unless you take a deep breath in between—in which case you’ll look shy, inarticulate, or nervous. Great.
10. It’s hard for that cute guy you met at the bar to find you on Google and Facebook. You know this because you Googled your name to see on what page your social media accounts will show up. You can only wish he’s that into you to make it to the ninth page. Sigh.
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