1. Am I gonna be able to get a thorough wash?
I wish I could do this Fun Sexy Shower for like five minutes and then ask him to step aside while I do my regular singing-Taylor-Swift-and-rubbing-sugar-scrub-on-my-ass routine.
2. Wow, there’s a wet penis.
Woop, there it is!
3. Maybe I should put my conditioner in before we have sex.
Then it has a lot of time to soak in.
4. NO, don’t touch my legs, I haven't shaved!
And that’s why I had to take a shower in the first place—to shave.
5. As if giving a blow job isn't hard enough when we're dry, I have to do it UNDER. RUNNING. WATER.
Not only is this hard, but it's also potentially dangerous. Whoo. He better go down on me.
6. His turn to go down.
Only I can’t get in the zone because I’m worried he's drowning. Why does anyone try to do this in the shower? Let’s just make out for a second.
7. OK, here we go, time to awkwardly rest myself on one of his legs and get into a bizarre damp sex configuration against this wall.
This is sex. Kind of like a joke that God told, right? That it would be normal that human beings do this?
8. One of us is going to fall and crack our skull open.
I can sense it.
9. Water is the worst lubricant ever.
There we go.
10. FUCK, I forgot to put my conditioner in.
11. Can we move to the bed?
No. I’ll get my bed wet. But…no, we shouldn’t. But…ugh, no.
12. This isn’t working.
Let’s just kiss. Then I need to put in my conditioner. Then dry off. Then start my nightly beauty routine. See you in the bed in 40 minutes.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor changes have been implemented by Cosmo.ph editors.