1. Notice me. I look GREAT.
I’m pretty proud of this look I put together. I’d love it if I got even just a single compliment on the way I look today. If not...well, time to post that #OOTD!
2. HELLZ YEAH, I KNOW I’M HOT—but I’m not going to type that.
When I get those compliments on my Instagram post, I’m going to credit the “angle,” and the “lighting,” and the slimming panels on my dress for the ~*optical illusion*~. I don’t want them thinking I’m full of myself. (Although I DO look pretty hot.)
3. Honestly? It took me 20 tries to get this selfie right.
No, I did not #wakeuplikethis. But who does, really? Anyone who says so is LYING.
4. Oh, food! I want to eat EVERYTHING.
I want to get another slice of cake, but I don’t want to look like a total pig, especially since Miss Health and Fitness over there didn’t even have any. (P.S. I hate her.) Okay, fine. I’LL STOP EATING.
5. Is she prettier/skinnier/ better-dressed than I am?
If I have to ask myself, the answer is probably yes. Dammit.
6. Does my boyfriend find her attractive?
Forget it, I don’t wanna know. Yes, I do. No, I don’t.
7. I know I said I was happy for you, but...
Frankly, I’m kind of jealous of your engagement. I WANT A SPARKLY LITTLE THING ON MY FINGER, TOO.
8. How dare you forget my name?
Ha ha ha! I’m laughing with you and pretending that it’s totally cool that you forgot my name, but I hope you won’t pull that “I’m bad at names” excuse. I DESERVE TO BE REMEMBERED.
9. Something’s wrong with your outfit.
I’m kind of feeling this impulse to take you to the nearest closet to style you myself. Actually, I’m already styling you in my head. (And you’re looking much better.)
10. You got fat.
Yes, you did gain weight. But I’m not going to say it and risk having you see me as an insensitive bitch for the rest of our lives. Someone closer to you should have that job.
11. I don’t want to go to your party.
We’re not that tight that you can invite me to things and expect me to come. Besides, who would I talk to there? I’d probably just stare into my smartphone all night. I’m gonna go make up an excuse to miss your party now.
12. Umm…I’m not into you.
And that is why I won’t give you my number. Or reply to your Facebook messages. Or say yes to a date with you. EVER.
13. Why the f*ck are you staring at me?
I’m just minding my business here, and there you are, making me uncomfortable with your goo-goo gaze. Quit it, creepy stranger.
14. IF SOMEONE CATCALLS ME ONE MORE TIME, I AM GOING TO SCREAM.
On the outside, I look like I’m just coolly pretending that the wolf-whistling idiots I have to pass by on my way to get a cab don’t exist. But inside, I am SEETHING.
Follow Cheekie on Twitter.