1. The girl who posts daily pregnancy updates.
Today her baby is the size of a squash and has eyelashes and why do you know so much about the unborn of child of someone you haven't seen in eight years?
2. The guy whose girlfriend/wife always seems to be delivering a baby and provides way too much information about said delivery.
"I'm a dad!!! Everyone welcome beautiful Christine Mary Schwartz-Fleischman, 8 pounds, 2 ounces, who got tangled in her mom's umbilical cord but once I cut it it was all good but man dat blood doe!" Got it.
3. The gorgeous dude from college you're obsessed with who has an account but never uses social media because he's probably camping or something.
You check his profile on the regs always hoping for a shirtless profile pic, but, nope.
4. The constant emo-Facebook-status writer.
A 25-year-old with a seventh grader's sense of melancholy who posts things like, "Having a really rough time today…" or, "Could really use everybody's support right now bc life is really hard…" or some quote/ song lyric/novel excerpt from one of a handful of famous mopey white guys. Ellipses ("…") have never been as odious.
5. The person who bitches about how bad social media is—via Facebook statuses.
IT'S LIKE RAY-YAYYYYYN on your wedding day.
6. The wannabe comedian whose Twitter is linked to his Facebook, thus providing a steady stream of lame "Weekend Update"-sounding jokes.
Scrolling down your feed feels like you're hooked up to an IV of mediocrity.
7. The legit hilarious person who only uses it to sell furniture/other practical callouts.
But that's OK! Just go to their Twitter.
8. The girl who seems to never run out of new wedding photos, even two years after the wedding.
To be fair, this is probably aided by the slow trickle of friends who get around to posting their iPhone pics of the joyous occasion six months after the fact—but still. I get it. Mason jars.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.