1. Ugh, why did I wear this thing?
I wanted to look “adult” and “professional” that’s why I chose this outfit, but now I look like stern Miss Minchin in a sea of twentysomething kids.
2. Why are they staring at me?
Everyone's sneaking glances at me, but trying not to appear like they are. Well, I am the new girl, after all. Or maybe it’s my stupid outfit.
3. IT guy, can you help me pleeease?
My damn computer seems to be having a crisis. I can’t get it to work.
4. Am I doing this right?
I’m sure this task they gave me is pretty basic, but to me, it’s like learning a new language. I don’t want to ask too many questions though; they might think I’m an idiot and regret even hiring me.
5. Um, what’s her name again?
She’s been walking me through the need-to-knows for the last 30 minutes, but I cannot for the life of me remember her name. How do I get her to say her name again without asking her outright? Maybe I should ask for her business card? But duh, we work side by side, why would I need her card?
6. Is it okay to Facebook on my first day?
I mean, they’re not giving me much to do yet since I’m new, soooo…
7. Is the toilet this way? Or that way?
I’d ask someone, but they all look like they’re sucked into their computers. I’ll just walk around as if I know my way until I find it. No biggie.
8. OMG, what if I have to do number 2?!
Please, not today. I don’t want some girl who’s in the restroom at the same time running back to tell her office pals that the new girl did some nasty business in the toilet. I’ll never live that shit down. (Pun intended.)
9. Am I going to be eating lunch alone? And where?
That's alright, I’ll just eat here at my desk like the loser in those teen movies who always ends up eating sad-looking lunches alone in the cafeteria.
10. Alright, where the office cuties at?
Time to assess the stud situation. That one with his back turned looks promising. Nope, sorry, wrong. Abort mission. Abort mission.
11. Is that girl who keeps yakking in a voice you can hear from a mile away the office bitch?
Whoops, must avoid her. Oh no, she’s coming over to introduce herself.
12. Can I be friends with that group over there?
They look so cool, walking coolly down the hallway back to their coolly decorated desks, and one of them even has a tattoo peeking out from under a shirtsleeve. This stuffy outfit I’m wearing may say otherwise, but I’m cool, like them! I could totally be part of their squad!
13. Is it too soon to be joking around with my new colleagues?
I’ll go ahead and make a slightly off-color joke now, in the name of “office camaraderie.” And…oh shit, that was awkward. Remind me never to open my mouth in this place ever again.
14. Why did these guys hire me again?
They hired me for a very good reason, I’m sure. It may not be clear to me now, but I’m sure they did. I’m sure they did.
15. Can I go home now?
I’ve been waiting forever for this day to end, and now that it’s 6:00, NOBODY’S GETTING UP TO LEAVE. Should I show them that I'm as dedicated to the work as they are and hunker down at my desk through dinnertime? Or should I just listen to my heart and GTFO? Okay, it’s GTFO. I can’t pretend any longer that I know what I’m doing anyway.
16. Will tomorrow be better?
Yes. Yes it will. I already know where the toilet is. I have one co-worker who doesn’t seem to mind that I keep asking her questions, and whose name I actually know. And—be still, my heart—I think I’ve found my office crush. #KILIG
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