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Expectations vs. Reality: Being In Your Late 20s

Expectation: You'll have your sh*t together. Reality: LOL.

1. Expectation: You'll want to go to concerts and ~*da club*~ and fist pump like you did in college.

Reality: You'll want to stay home with a bottle of wine and a warm cat and watch Orange Is the New Black for 11 hours straight without moving.

2. Expectation: You will be broke until the end of time. (Sub-expectation: The end of time will begin in your late 20s.)

Reality: You will have somehow managed to start making decent money and started saving for a meaningful purchase like real estate or a new car.

3. Expectation: You won't have to call your mom for financial advice. 

Reality: You'll still have to call your mom for financial advice. 

4. Expectation: Not all of your friends will get married when you're 28.

Reality: All of your friends will get married from the ages of 26–29. During this time, you will spend most of your discretionary income and vacation time on wedding gifts and traveling to their bachelorette parties, bridal showers, weddings, and dress fittings. The upside is you'll be drunk for most of this.

5. Expectation: You and your 17 closest college friends will be best friendz 4 lyfe like wut.

Reality: You will remain close friends with, like, three of those people. The rest will become too flaky, druggy, or narcissistic to tolerate.

6. Expectation: You will be responsible and settled enough to finally get a dog.

Reality: No dog!

7. Expectation: You will have a nice apartment with adult furniture.

Reality: Lol no. 

8. Expectation: You will always love vodka-sodas.

Reality: You seldom find yourself out and needing to get drunk in a place where the best option is a vodka-soda.

9. Expectation: The men you date will be mature and take you on dinner dates instead of to sketchy lounges where the margaritas taste like lemonade.

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Reality: The men you date will find you on Tinder and take you to cheap bars because somehow meeting people through an app sets expectations for chivalry excruciatingly low.

10. Expectation: You will buy fewer but nicer "investment pieces."

Reality: You will buy a shit-ton of clothes at Forever 21 and H&M because outfits are just more fun when you can wear them like condoms: Use once and throw away.

11. Expectation: You will wake up at 9:30 on Saturday morning and read the news on your iPad for two hours over coffee you made yourself.

Reality: You will still have those days when you wake up at 8 a.m. Saturday feeling like a train hit you and text your friends to see if they're also up to find out "WTF did we do??!!" until you are tired enough to fall back asleep again. Maybe there is a man next to you who you have been seeing for a while.

12. Expectation: You will cook something nice when you invite people over for brunch. Blueberry pancakes! Homemade waffles! Breakfast tacos!

Reality: Brunch will always happen at a restaurant, never at home. 

13. Expectation: You will make your own coffee before work each morning. Because you have your shit together and getting up early is no thang.

Reality: LOLOLOL, you will buy coffee every day.

14. Expectation: You will find a hobby.

Reality: You will join Pinterest. You will never DIY anything.

15. Expectation: You will read a new critically acclaimed work of fiction or nonfiction each week.

Reality: You will lose yourself in Fifty Shades of Grey. You will re-read Harry Potter and finally get around to Twilight. Whatever.

16. Expectation: You will resent getting older and long for the days of being 22 when your life was like a Taylor Swift song and buying eye cream never crossed your mind.

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Reality: You are so glad you are not a clueless 22-year-old.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.