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On Being A Commitment-Phobe

Everyone makes the mistake of trying to make things work with commitment-phobics. Our August Quickie Blogger reflects on her own relationships with for-now guys.

It's not that we don't want to commit. It's just that the thought of being with one person for the rest of our lives can be scary: we want to make sure we made the right decision. We just don't want to look back several years from now, thinking that we should've waited longer or, worse, committed to someone else. I went through this stage at one point in my life, and I'm quite sure a lot of men and women can relate.[readmore]

While the thought of not getting physical with anyone else besides our partner can be daunting, it's actually more of a double-edged fear of sex not being exciting anymore once we can do it whenever and wherever we want--or the fear that we'll no longer be able to satisfy our partner years down the road.

The case for men makes me wonder, too. I've been in several types of relationships and I've found a way to know which ones were doomed from the beginning. Looking back, I wonder what made me stick around in the doomed ones: the ones with commitment-phobes.

These commitment-phobic men I've dated never get serious with women or juggle several girls as backup. I sometimes want to bonk myself on the head now for even going through relationships with these types more than once. I was with someone before who would only go out with me when he's free, which meant I had to fix my schedule around his. I also saw someone who only seemed to be available for spur-of-the-moment hook-ups. At first I thought it was interesting and spontaneous, since my life was so scheduled back then--until I realized that he just really wasn't into me.

I've noticed that these commitment-phobes keep their distance most of the time. Whether they have trust issues or not, I've sensed they're pretty careful when it comes to letting women into their comfort zone. They don't want to get too attached, or let the other person get too attached to them. I dated a guy whom I could only get to open up when we're both pretty wasted. But now I know that alcohol and the beginnings of a great relationship do not mix--much like oil and water. So if openness is not a given, you can be pretty sure there's a commitment-phobe lurking in there.

Photo courtesy of Paramount Pictures
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