When you hit that age where a few of your friends start having kids while others are still going to inuman sessions, a line of sorts gets drawn in the sand. It's not that the friendship changes really, but once a tiny human comes into your lives and shoots chemicals into your brain that make you love it forever, priorities tend to change. For those of us not yet on #TeamBaby, here's exactly what we think of your kids.
1. "I could do that."
Having a baby is easy enough that some people do it by accident. To us child-free folks, bragging about having a baby is like bragging about how rewarding it is to almost fall over but then catch your balance. And even if you can't fulfill the egg-meets-sperm deed, there are other avenues to pursue that pretty much anyone could do it. Except adoption… adopting a baby is tougher than getting into the FBI. Now that's something worth bragging about. "We took a test that said we were such good people we could have someone else's baby."
2."No, please tell me what you have been up to."
When people ask, "Hey, what's been going on in your life?" they are desperately hoping you will actually tell them something about your life. Don't just gloss over anything you've done recently so you can tell them about your kid's sense of object permanence. They miss you and what to know what else you're doing or the things you've seen. Even if 90 percent of your life right now is your kid, please give them a little something.
3."Did you really look at that picture and think, 'people need to see this' or did having a kid short circuit the part of your brain that governs your control of just hitting "post all" with every photo on your phone?"
This is a legitimate concern.
4."Yeah, your kid is definitely adorable."
Make no mistake, those of you with kids have cute babies. It's not like all your childless friends hate your kids. They love your kids. They like seeing your kids. They're not bitter about you having kids. Your kids are great.
5. "Hey, maybe leave your kids at home sometimes."
Not every invitation is also an invitation to your kid. Leave them at home for a night out so you can pretend you're all still 21 for a few hours.
6. "Do you need anyone to babysit?"
At the same time, anyone without kids still wants to cash in on their honorary aunt and uncle duties. Even if all your single friends aren't ready to be responsible for another human being for the rest of their lives, they're probably still ready to be responsible for another human being for several consecutive hours while you run errands.
7. "I'm going to use your child to convince my partner to have one."
This is a pretty common tactic. One of your friends might scoop up your kid at a BBQ and act super parental to show their partner how ready they are.
8. "This story about your baby is not interesting enough to be 10 minutes long."
Just try and be more concise. We don't need a crazy-long narrative about what it was like the first time your kid ate solid food. If a picture is worth a thousand words, I'd rather just see 10 pictures of your kid eating a piece of fruit. And I don't even want to do that.
9."I haven't opened up your last 20 Snapchats because I know in my heart they're all just videos of your baby not doing anything."
It's not like my time is that important that I can't spend it watching your baby sit there...I'd just like to pretend it's that important.
10. "Let me hold your baby."
This will make everything OK.
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