The 14 Stages of Grossness in a Relationship

Date One: "I don't poop or have body hair and I'm a poreless unicorn!" Five Years: "Hold my hair while I vomit from this food poisoning."

1. Date One

Shower and shave? Check. Series of exfoliating and hydrating face masks? Yes. Slathered body with expensive lotion made of glitter and children's laughter? Check. I am a poreless wonder and my hair smells like an angel. Oh, almost forgot to bring curiously strong breath mints!

2. Date Two

I feel super awkward peeing in this tiny apartment when he's on my bed and can hear me. I'll just run the water. Also, let me brush my teeth while I'm in here, since I was compulsively checking if I had food in them.

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3. Date Three

No no no no no we're about to have sex but I kind of have to poop. What can I do?! Can I say I forgot to get condoms and run down to the convenience store and use their bathroom? Do they even have a bathroom? This is the worst thing that's ever happened to humanity, HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW I POOP.

Maybe I can counteract this by going to the bathroom and getting everything done, then lighting a match or my scented candle—does that make it too obvious that I pooped?—and then brushing my teeth in black lingerie with the door open, just so he remembers I'm a lovely creature who never poops.

4. Date Four

Yeah, okay, we can kiss with morning breath. You have it, I have it, we're people. But I totally slept with my makeup on so you think my skin looks like this. I'll be paying for that in a few weeks when I break out.

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5. One Month

God, we're both super hungover and feel gross. Let's get greasy breakfast and then watch DVDs until we feel better.

6. Two Months

I'm going to brush my teeth and floss topless, while I talk to you in a smart and analytical way about the state of politics in this country and I will not think twice about it really.

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7. Three Months

I didn't have time to shave. Just deal with this stubble. And the acne scars you can totally see when I take my makeup off but you are too sweet to admit when I ask you if you ever notice them.

8. Four Months

Finish pooping and get out of the bathroom so I can poop.

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9. Five Months

Let's shower together and actually shower. Yo, can you scrub my back while you're at it? I need to exfoliate.

10. Six Months

I'm going to the doctor about a weird thing on my back and I actually tell you what I'm going to the doctor for, even though it's yucky.

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11. Seven Months

"Did you put your the cream on that back thing?" is a casual conversation for us.

12. Nine Months

You fart, I giggle.

13. One Year

We both get the stomach flu from each other at the same time and reach a new level of intimacy when we have to strategically take turns on the toilet.

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14. Two Years
After a half-marathon we trained for together, he rubs Vaseline on my thigh chaffage if I tape up his bloody nipples. We are one now.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor changes have been implemented by Cosmo.ph editors.

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