Are All Your Friends Having Babies?

Every birthday party will now be in the afternoon at a place that's kid-friendly.
PHOTO: Pixabay

1. Not being able to open Facebook without seeing babies on babies on babies. 

This complaint is so common, it's a cliche. The fact is, many of us childless dummies really DO like seeing photos of our friends' admittedly adorable offspring, but when that's all they post, multiple times a week, it's just... tiring. I can only click "like" so many times before my hands revolt and try to knock me unconscious so the pain of seeing 50 pictures of a baby caressing a pumpkin will finally end. I have baby fatigue, and the only cure is using a site like UnBaby to turn baby pics into photos of cats or chili dogs or something else wonderful that I don't mind always staring at.

2. Nobody wants to go to the bar with you anymore. 

It's not that they don't necessarily *want* to, it's that they physically can't leave because their boobs become permanently attached to a baby's mouth and/or a breast pump after giving birth. Also, they're just really tired all the time, because babies are tiring-as-hell.

3. Parties take on a whole new meaning. 

Your friends who used to rage the hardest now throw afternoon soirees (yes, soirees) where they might not even serve alcohol. (I REPEAT: NO ALCOHOL! Who are these monsters and what did they do with Tim and Sam?!?!?!)

4. Instagram morphs from interesting photos of their lives to a shitton of close-ups of their child's body.

Like, if I see another small hand clutching a giant thumb, I'm gonna do my own hysterectomy. (/dramatic)

5. Every birthday party will now be in the afternoon at a place that's kid-friendly.

Gone are the days of meeting at midnight at a bar or a fancy kid-free restaurant.

6. Your friends with kids can't stay out past 11 p.m. anymore. 

Continue reading below ↓

They turn into pumpkins? Their nannies eat their children? I dunno; I haven't exactly figured out the science.

7. You can't curse anymore. 

Because ol' big ear baby will hear and repeat back fuckingeverything.


8. You want to see your friends with kids? You're going on a playdate. 

You will now spend your afternoons walking in circles around a jungle gym while your two-year-old ruler slides down the same slide 50 times. Positives: It's actually kinda fun, and you're getting your steps! Negatives: There are no mimosas involved.

9. They don't like when you compare your dog to their child. 

OK, I deep-down know that having a child is 100-times harder than having a dog, but I'm just trying to connect with my child-rearing friends on some level so let's all just play along and pretend that I'm still sane!

10. You have a new reason to shop. 

You can buy hip AF organic fair trade baby clothes for all the kidlets in your life, because you can afford to do so because you don't have kidlets.

11. Say goodbye to e-stalking cute boys on Tinder, and say hello to looking at 10,000 pics of their babies taking a bath.

12. You start making new younger friends. 

On the plus side, you learn about all the cool new apps that the tweens are using, like Musically? That's a thing, right? On the minus side, it's kinda sad how you're approaching death at an ever-quickening pace.

13. Or you start hanging out with friends your age who are train wrecks. 

And then you question if that's you, too. Oh, well!

14. You feel left a little behind sometimes. 

You feel like you're way behind in life because you aren't settled down, but flip side: you're also like, "I can do whatever I want and what I want to do is eat marshmallows in bed until 3 p.m. and then take a two-hour bath and then go back to sleep MY LIFE RULEZ!"

Continue reading below ↓

15. It helps you figure your own kid stuff out. 

You learn that you actually maybe kinda like kids? Hanging out with your friends' precious bundles might make you think, "Hmmm.. I might be able to do this?" Or, it'll make you think, "FUCK NO!" Either way, it is a clarifying experience.

***
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors. 


Sorry, no results were found for