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We Asked Gay Men: What Do You Want Straight Women To Know?

'Not all gay men think they're a woman in a man's body. I’m really just a guy attracted to other guys.'
PHOTO: Alexa Miller1

When you think about gay men, what comes to mind? Cross-dressing, Madonna-worshipping men who are great company to have for their razor-sharp wit and on-point style? While these qualities are true for some gay men, these are stereotypes, and if there’s anything you’ll learn from this article, it’s that gay men are as diverse as they are fabulous.

We asked real gay guys to answer the question, “What do gay men want straight women to know?” From revealing that they don’t all like beauty pageants to griping about being boxed into the stereotypical gay best friend (GBF) role, their answers show that maybe we don’t always understand our gay friends as well as we think we do.

It’s true: A gay male and a straight female are a match made in friendship heaven.

“We can be great friends who can spot guys for you! When we’re out, we can keep watch on who’s checking you out, and our gaydar also lets us detect men of our own kind. So be a fag hag. We come in handy.” – Gabriel, 41

But don’t pigeonhole them into the sidekick GBF role; your life is not a Julia Roberts rom-com.

“We don’t appreciate being made to feel like we’re just a supporting character in YOUR romantic comedy. Just because the witty gay best friend seems to have become a staple in romantic comedies, some women think that’s how real life should be. They forget that their gay friends are real, multi-faceted people with their own stories, their own desires, and who also see themselves as the protagonists in their own narratives.” – Chris, 36

Some gay men will have opinions about your look…

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“We keep a close eye on what you wear. There are more clothing choices for women in this country. YOU. HAVE. NO. EXCUSE. Also, there are better life pegs than the Kardashians.” – Miggy, 26

…While other gay men will be oblivious to it.

“I’d like to apologize in advance to women for those instances where I can't recognize that they're wearing a new hairstyle. I understand that it’s a big deal and it’s news because getting your hair done takes time and money. But some gay guys are just not that perceptive. Unless you shaved like Britney did in 2007.” – Jesse, 26


There are gay men who have qualities that don’t fit the stereotype at all.

“Not all gay men love beauty pageants. Some are great fans of the Cavs, Dubs, Heat, or Spurs. Some have been following Gilas from the eliminations to their FIBA matches. Some are even loyalists of Pacman!” – Archie, 28

This is important: Don’t immediately assume that gay men all want to be women.

“We are not trying to be like you. We are in a league all our own. This is not a competition of who is a real woman, or who is more of a woman.” – Toffee, 25

“Some of us are relieved that we don’t have to go through menstrual cycles and the pain of childbirth. We admire your threshold, but it pains us just thinking about how your monthly cycles take a day or two from your happy selves or how a human being can come out of you.” – Miggy

“Just because we’re gay doesn’t mean we’re into cross-dressing. Being gay is a way of life; it’s not just a way of dressing.” – Jun, 27

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“Honey, not all gay men think they’re a woman in a man’s body. I’m really just a guy attracted to other guys.” – Carl, 28

And don’t assume they’re out to steal your boyfriends, either.

“I might have the hots for your boyfriend, but of course I won’t make a move. Your boyfriend is straight; I need another gay man to fulfill my emotional, psychological, and physical needs. We are not your competition. Plus, we don’t go for every man that comes along. We have our standards, too. You don’t fall for every other guy you meet, do you?” – Gabriel

Gay men are men who like other men—let’s leave it at that.

“Most of the time, there is no ‘guy’ or ‘girl’ in a gay relationship. There are just two men who happen to like other men. So please stop asking us who the ‘girl’ in the relationship is.” – Claude, 29

“Stop telling us that we’re ‘sayang’ because we’re gay and we can’t procreate with women. Gay men have so much more to offer beyond perceived biological functions.” – JP, 30

“There’s a prevalent joke that gay men are grossed out by the mere thought of vaginas. That’s not true at all, because some of us just don’t care about what’s behind your underwear. Which is the whole point of being gay, really.” – Barny, 30

It’s not just about sex for them.

“Just because we’re gay doesn’t mean we just want to have sex all day. Like you, we also look for quality men, someone who has a sense of humor, someone spontaneous and smart. And like you, we also have a tough time finding someone like that.” – Antz, 30

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Here’s one thing we’re sure they all agree on: Love is love.

“Same-sex relationships are just as viable as your own. Remember that love is love no matter what one’s sexual orientation is.” – Rain, 26

“Stop saying ‘I love my gay friends’ then say that gay marriage is unacceptable. A close friend of mine once said, ‘I love gay guys, but gay marriage is just too much; it’s against the will of God.’ While her statement angered me, I managed to compose myself and explained how she can’t say she loves me and not support the supreme declaration of love among gay people just because we are gay. I asked her to try and come up with her own opinion on this based on the gay people she knows and loves, and not just accept what is said by the ‘righteous.’ She paused and got teary-eyed.” – Francis Charles, 32

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