Because if you've ever dated this type of subtle, sneaky, low-key asshole cheater who might never actually sleep with other people but he's definitely not being what most dictionaries would identify as "faithful", you've heard all of these at least once.
1. "Am I not allowed to have female friends now?"
Of course you are, but ideally they're not "friends" like Carla who is single and constantly texting you like a teen between classes, and you're constantly sending her GIFs while pretending to listen to how my day was.
2. "I can't help it if other girls flirt with me."
Fair, but you can help how much you bask in the glow of their flirtation and never mention you have a girlfriend, and you can shut that shit down so they don't get their hopes up, and you can act like a decent human being.
3. "I'm just being nice to your friends like you asked me to!"
If I was that "nice" to your friends, they'd ask me if I had a condom. Don't kid yourself.
4. "I didn't know we were labeling things yet, so I didn't tell my friends we were serious."
You also didn't tell them we'd gone on dates, that I had a name, or that we'd slept at each other's houses four out of seven nights last week? Yeah, that makes sense.
5. "Oh, so I guess you're the only woman in the world who I'm allowed to get excited to talk to."
Yes. Of course I think that and am not at all simply calling you out for being seemingly equally excited to share your intimacy with me and with Anna. Bravo.
6. "You wouldn't be flipping out like this if I was meeting a bunch of hot guys I really liked."
I don't know your true sexuality, Jake, so maybe I would!
7. "I don't always text you back because I know we'll talk later, but I don't see my other friends that often so I just text them more."
This is a sneaky way of saying, "I don't really prioritize you as much because I know you'll sleep with me, but this Instagram girl I've been texting is a fun, new challenge for me."
8. "I'm just trying to be polite and anyway it's just Facebook."
Do you know how many random dudes hit on me and my friends on Facebook? I don't write them all back with "blushing" faces or else I'd have a phone full of dick pics I did not ask for. There's a way to deal with it and still be polite, bro.
9. "If our relationship is strong, I should be able to sit next to other girls at parties and it shouldn't matter to you."
OK, but the point is our relationship isn't strong because you sit next to other people all the time and I hate it.
10. "If you're a feminist then you should have no problem with me talking about how hot and cool and talented these girls are."
Damn, Daniel. Back at again with the good point that temporarily makes me put aside my suspicions and focus on my jealousy issues. See you tomorrow when I realize this is a crock of shit because you can want equal rights and also want your boyfriend to not be a turd.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.