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10 Things Guys Do When They Masturbate

Give the old testicles a routine checkup.

1. Lock the door. Be kind to yourself and to others. Remember it’s just as embarrassing (and horrific) for the person walking in on you fapping away.  

2. Search for the right inspiration. This means porn. Searching for the right porn.

3. Put the volume on mute. Or very, very low as not to disturb neighboring individuals. Or wear earphones. Wails, incessant moans, and screams that go “fuck me hard” are just a tad too raunchy to pass off as regular video viewing.

4. Come into a sock. Hopefully, an unused one. And most important: not yours.

5. Give the old testicles a routine checkup. Hey, it’s a medical thing. Just checking for any lumps, lesions, or new moles doesn’t hurt anybody.

6. Play with his gouche. You know, the perineum. That area between the balls and the ass that’s got nerve endings for days. So it’s super sensitive and is a secret pleasure point.

7. At least once in his life, he’s sniffed his gunk…and discovered that it smells like Zonrox!    

8. Try out every kind of lotion, oil, or lube present to make the experience more legit (and slippery). Unless he’s a dry guy (the term for men who like to masturbate au natural), of course.

9. Try out “The Stranger.” It’s a masturbation move where he sits on one arm to cut off the flow of blood, rendering the limb numb. Then he proceeds to use said limb to jack-off, creating the illusion that someone else is giving him a handjob.

10. Give themselves a post-flog pube trim. Hey, it’s difficult to fit manscaping into a busy schedule, you know!


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