1. THE MOVE: Dry humping you to get things started. Like we just left an eighth-grade dance for a makeout party in Allison Cooper's basement. Rubbing our half-erect penis on your thigh is surely enough to put you in the mood.
SHE THINKS: Oh, this is...retro. Actually, it would probably feel good if his penis was remotely close to my vagina but it is not close. It is not close at all. OK, let me see if I can shift my body to move his penis. Nope, he's back in my thigh. This blows.
2. THE MOVE: Jackrabbit finger-banging. We're trying to make someone orgasm the same way we start our dad's old rip-cord lawnmower. If there's one thing guys know, it's that harder and faster is always better.
SHE THINKS: Oh my god, how can I step away from my body and leave the room completely? Maybe if I jerk away quickly he will know to not touch me for at least the next hour.
3. THE MOVE: Being naked. Can you handle the sight of our naked bodies? What if we perform an impromptu striptease that's one part Magic Mike and three parts Jim in American Pie?
SHE THINKS: So this is happening. I mean, it's cool because you're naked and I like you but...Oh, he's humping my stuffed animals. I don't know what to do with this information.
4. THE MOVE: Grabbing at your boobs. Your breasts are a magic button straight to your libido, and we will push that button until it starts up.
SHE THINKS: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
5. THE MOVE: Asking for any kind of sexual favor the same way we'd ask if you can pick them up from the grocery store. "Yeah, if you're there anyway could you pick up some Fruit Roll-Ups and also insert my penis into your mouth until I achieve orgasm?" It's worth a shot, even if it only works once every 1,000 times.
SHE THINKS: Great, now I am some sort of gumball machine for blow jobs. I guess now is as good a time as ever to start that pro/con list about whether or not I wanna keep dating this dipshit.
6. THE MOVE: Waking you up at any point. Cuddling can lead to sex, sure, but not when one party is already blissfully asleep and having a really great nap. It's not that naps are better than sex, it's just that being groggily woken up by someone licking your ear is definitely worse than a nap. But despite knowing this, we think that waking you up in the middle of REM sleep is going to put you in the mood.
SHE THINKS: I'm just going to lie here and pretend I can sleep through him putting his tongue in my ear. Nope, not awake. Oh well! Guess you should give up and get away from me immediately!
7. THE MOVE: Wearing way too much cologne. If a couple pumps of the spray nozzle makes us smell good, then doing that 10 times should logically make us smell better.
SHE THINKS: I wonder how long I can hold my breath while we make out? Has anyone ever died that way? I feel like they have.
8. THE MOVE: Using food in bed. How about we eat some strawberries and melted chocolate off each other and then spend three hours washing the sheets?
SHE THINKS: He's doing laundry because I swear to god I am not dealing with this.
9. THE MOVE: Clothes that are way too tight. If we like it when women do it — it should work for us too, right? Our dress shirts should fit like an Under Armour tee.
SHE THINKS: Don't laugh. He's just experimenting with tight clothes for some reason. He looks so uncomfortable. Who is this for? Women? It can't be women.
10. THE MOVE: Overconfidence. Confidence is great, so we'll stare at you from across the room and not break eye contact. That way you know we're interested in you and also dominant and not weird or anything.
SHE THINKS: That man is going to murder me. My body will be found by a river.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.