1. The Condom Broke.
This feels really good. Is this me? WAIT DID THE CONDOM BREAK SHOULD I STOP EVERYTHING AND SAY SOMETHING? IS THIS WHAT BEING WATERBOARDED FEELS LIKE?
2. Should I sleep over after?
Does she want me to stick around or should I just start grabbing my clothes as soon as we're done? What if she says she wants me to stay, but doesn't really mean it? Should I just cuddle for the minimal amount of time to qualify for not leaving right away? What is that, like 20 minutes?
3. Ok, I think she likes this rhythm.
You can keep doing this, no wait—you just lost it. Ok, wait, that's it. No, now she's trying to follow your rhythm and it's throwing you off. Just let me…no. I think it was like this? Screw it, let's just switch positions.
4. If I go down on her, will she go down on me?
Am I going to wind up going down on her and then just kind of waiting there awkwardly while she stares at me and does everything but put my penis in her mouth?
5. Is she faking?
Is she just doing all this in the hopes that I finish as soon as possible or is she really into this?
6. My leg is cramping up.
Holy shit, there is blinding pain every time I thrust. Hopefully I look sexy grimacing.
7. I hope she orgasms soon.
I am giving it my all, here. If she doesn't come soon I'm going to pass out.
8. What do I look like right now?
I probably have 8 chins and just look like a total weirdo, sweating and grunting. I really hope she's keeping her eyes closed for most of this.
9. Is she getting bored?
Should I start pulling out some crazy positions? Time to do everything I've seen in the movies.
10. I have to sneeze.
I need to suppress this because she seems really into it and now is not the time. Although I heard if you don't sneeze you can cause an aneurism and die. Ok, I'm going to pretend I'm super into it and scream and sneeze at the same time to cover it. OH GROSS IT'S ALL OVER HER BACK.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been implemented by the Cosmo.ph editors.