1. When you asked how much porn he watches.
Whatever answer he gave you, double it. Now double it again. Now double it again. He's probably watching porn right now.
2. When you asked how many people he's slept with.
When you asked this question, his brain went into a panic mode. As neurons began firing off randomly, the number he blurted out while sweating through his shirt was either three lower or three higher than the actual number. Either he wanted to downplay his sexual promiscuity or he wanted to seem more experienced than he really is. It is always three off, because that's the perfect, believable bump up or down.
3. When he didn't text you back and he said he was asleep.
He saw the text, then forgot about it immediately because he was playing the new Madden. Telling you he fell asleep dreaming of you is way better than, "I was super into football video games."
4. When you asked if he thought any of your friends were hot.
You have to have at least one hot friend. He can think she's hot objectively without being sexually attracted to her. However, he will never bother trying to explain that distinction to you. Instead, he will say no.
5. When you asked him if he'd like to hang out with all your friends one night.
He probably said yes. What he didn't say was, "That sounds like a nightmarish hellscape of bleak, half-assed dancing as the sky fills with the shrieks of drunk women." He didn't say that because he is not stupid. He was thinking it though, believe you me.
6. The time he said that hand job felt good.
Maybe it did. Maybe. He definitely would've preferred your other hand though, if you catch my drift. The mouth, I mean. The mouth is the hand of the face because it can also hold things. He wanted you to touch his penis with your face-hand.
7. When you asked if your cooking was better than his mom's.
This is only a question psychopaths ever ask. He might love your cooking. It might be, objectively, the best food ever. However, nothing will beat something his mom made strictly because of all the emotions tied to it.
8. When you accused him of not liking your family.
Are you kidding? He loves your mom more than his own mom! *Crosses fingers under the table*.
9. That first date when he said he really wanted to go check out that hot new restaurant.
He doesn't care about new restaurants. He's not a foodie. He wanted an excuse to ask you to go with him. You know, like a date.
10. When you asked him how drunk he got the other night.
He barfed all over himself, tried to buy Vanilla ice cream at Ministop, and then barfed all over himself again. That's what "I had a few beers with the guys" means.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.