1. If this sucks, I'm leaving in an hour. Maybe I should set an alarm and label it, "Are you having fun, Lane? Really? Be honest."
2. Even if this is horrible, at least I can tell all my friends while they give me pitying looks. And then they'll say things like, "Ugh, I do not miss being single," and I'll be like, "I know!" and then we'll all get drunk. Not bad.
3. What if this is seriously The One and then one day, we're like "And we met on Tinder. I know, lame, right?" But then what we really do is look at each other adoringly because awwww, modern love.
4. He looks exactly like/nothing like his photos. This is such a relief/gigantic disappointment for which I wish I could sue him.
5. Is he a murderer or am I just finally meeting a good one? He's wearing a dope suit with a cool tie, is actually employed by a place that doesn't sound made up, and he's reasonably funny. He's either killed people or he's my soul mate. No other options exist.
6. Yep, that explains why this guy is on Tinder. Vaguely sexist views on women and the belief that all his exes are "crazy"? Should've swiped left, dickmunch.
7. If we hadn't met on Tinder, I wonder if we would've ever met any other way. Like maybe at the supermarket if I literally ever stopped staring at cookies and imagining how great it would be to eat them.
8. I'm so glad I messaged him even though he was making pseudo-duckface in one of his photos. I might actually want to, dare I say it, see him again. Holy shit, it's happening. The Tinder second date. Alert the media, as I thought this was a myth.
9. If we went back to my place, I wonder how soon I could get him to go down on me. I don't know, sometimes you just have a craving for it like pizza or reruns of Family Matters.
10. How do I communicate to him that I just want his penis inside me for tonight and to never see him again ever? Or the other side of that coin...
11. How do I tell him that I'm not hoping we bang in the alley behind this bar and then never speak again? Because um, yeah. Not my #goals.
Lane Moore has gone on so many Tinder dates like this that she started a live comedy show called Tinder LIVE!
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.co.uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.