1. I hope she burns in hell! She took my heart, broke it in pieces, and threw it out for the dogs to feed on. Okay, maybe that’s a tad overdramatic. It is true though.
2. I’m better off without her! All my friends thought she was wrong for me anyway. She was manipulative, jealous, and immature! But, but, but I loved her!
3. Should I unfriend her on Facebook? But how am I going to stalk…erm…I mean see what she’s been up to? What about Instagram? Those cute selfies! Her hot beach photos! Torture is a bitch!
4. Who’s that guy she’s been hanging out with? I wonder if they’re dating. Maybe they’re just friends. Oh, he drives a Mercedes. That’s why. Anyway, he looks like a douche. Lamang naman ako ng ilang paligo sa kanya. It’s a pretty nice Benz though.
5. I can’t believe she’s still mad at me. We are capable of being friends, you know. Well, not really. Pero ang dami naman niyang hugot! Ika nga, forgive and forget! She’s probably just bitter. Or am I?
6. Her family must think I’m an a-hole. Who cares?! Her mom was a Jesus freak, her dad smelled like a fossil, and her sister had BO. They were quite lovely.
7. Should I return all the gifts she got me? This watch she gave me for our anniversary only reminds me of the times we spent together. What about all those souvenirs from the trips we went on? This PS4… I think I’ll keep this PS4.
8. I miss spending the night with her. I hope she’s not having sex with anyone else. Could she be? She’s pretty cozy with that dude on her IG. But we just broke up! Please don’t have sex with anyone else yet!
9. I hope she’s not at our favorite hangout. I showed her that spot, and immature as it might sound, those are my friends she’s chilling with. If she is though, I need to look good. I need to fake it. Wait, that’s too much work, I think I’ll just stay in and watch old Game of Thrones episodes.
10. I hope she’s happy. No, seriously. I mean it. I really want her to have the best in life. Why won’t anyone believe me? I’m over her! Why do I still scroll through her timeline? Just because…
11. I know the best cure for this broken heart disease: ALCOHOL! Time to message all my other single friends for a rowdy night of ragin’…oh, wait, I don’t have any single friends anymore. Fuuuuuuuuuck!