1. The second he gets home from work.
This probably applies to anyone who just had a long day at the office. No one wants to get assaulted with questions before they even have time to take off their shoes and sit down.
2. When he was starving and is just sitting down for dinner.
Yes, dinner is traditionally a good time to talk, but also, I want my mouth to focus on eating a delicious steak or adobo. I just want my adobo.
3. When you're in bed.
A BED IS A PLACE YOU GO TO FALL ASLEEP. A BED IS NOT A PLACE YOU GO TO HAVE SERIOUS CONVERSATIONS THAT WILL KEEP US AWAKE FOR TWO HOURS AFTER THEY'RE OVER, THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST SAID.
4. When you've both specifically agreed to watch a movie or TV show.
I just want to hear what Olivia Pope has to say. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!
5. When you start a conversation with, "I've been thinking..."
This means we're probably about to have an argument about something for which you've built up a great defense and we're going to be totally blindsided.
6. When you send him a blunt text.
"We need to talk" are the four second-scariest words in the English language. "You're going to die" is first.
7. When it's apparent this is going to be a story about eight of your coworkers he's never met.
We're 10 seconds in, and we've already lost track of who the major players are.
8. When he has headphones on.
Do not come in and just start talking, assuming he's going to take them off and ask you, "What?"
9. When he's in the bathroom.
This one is just weird. It doesn't matter what we're doing in there, but that is a time for peace.
10. When he just woke up.
IT IS 6 A.M. WE NEED TO FOCUS ON REMEMBERING HOW CEREAL WORKS.
11. When you're shopping.
Women love to have conversations and look at stuff. Guys just want to look at stuff quietly. We're very different, we guys.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.