1. If your bra and panties are matching. I can guarantee you if guys had to wear more than one piece of underwear at a time, they would never match. Instead, it would be "the first two pieces of underwear we pulled out of a drawer." So no judgment here.
2. If you're wearing super fancy underwear. As far as we're concerned, lacy is fancy, everything else is regular. I don't know any other way to judge underwear. And we also don't care if it's fancy, anyway.
3. If these are your "laundry day" underwear. Half the underwear I own is "laundry day" underwear. And no, I'm not doing laundry half the time.
4. Whether you are wearing boyshorts or a thong. You know what? It doesn't matter what you're wearing. We see it as "the last piece of clothing before you're naked."
5. How, uh...clean they are. If you are ever in a situation where you have a dirty pair of underwear and you are removing them in the presence of a man, do not—do not—say, "Oh, please don't look at these! They're gross!" Until you said that, we absolutely were not planning on getting a good look at your panties. I promise. Just play it cool.
6. How much you spent on them. There's nothing wrong with a good pair of comfortable underwear, but I just looked some prices up for women's underwear and what the hell? Anything above P2,000 is stupid. Anything over a thousand is "nice underwear." But who are we to talk? We spend less than P500 on a four-pack of Hanes.
7. If your boobs look smaller after you take off your push-up bra. We fully understand the concept of push-up bras. We're not going to be like, "Where'd your boobs go?!" like an infant playing peek-a-boo. As long as your boobs still exist, it's chill.
8. If you need to throw some in with our laundry. Yeah, whatever. It's not like you're going to get your estrogen all over our clothes and turn us into a lady.
9. If you just threw on a sports bra. Do you know how often we wear compression shorts instead of boxers? Hell, do you know that sometimes we'll just substitute mesh shorts when we're really desperate? Yeah, we really can't get upset with you for throwing on a sports bra for Saturday brunch.
10. If your underwear left red marks. Yeah, they look weird, but we are familiar with the fact that skin is pliable and underwear can leave temporary indentations. This is not weird. What would be weird is if you had a hard, plastic exoskeleton.
11. If you're wearing Spanx. Honestly, a lot of us probably don't even really know what they are. If you're taking them off in front of us, we're just going to assume you're taking off your weird stockings. And even if we know exactly what they are, we still don't care.