1. Obviously bikinis. Beaches and swimming pools are the only places women are essentially in their underwear. We appreciate this very much for reasons I probably don't need to explain to you.
2. Those five push-ups we've been doing every morning finally pay off. That goes both ways, and assuming we've been hitting the gym a few times a week, it's nice to be able to show off all that hard work and/or gut-sucking we've been practicing in the mirror.
3. It's a bro-sports Olympics. Frisbee. Fucking just playing catch. The beach is basically one giant, golden, glistening quad.
4. You will probably ask us to put sunscreen on your back, which still makes us feel all warm inside. This is cool because there is a part of us that is eternally 12 and we just like getting to touch a lady.
5. We get to secretly tan. We're not about to go to extreme lengths to tan, but everyone likes to look like they spend more time outdoors than they actually do. So the beach is a great way to tan without just lying out in our backyard reading Eat, Pray, Love or whatever.
6. Beaches are basically the international waters of land and no one cares when you start drinking. Beach vacations means anytime is drinking time. We can bring a cooler out onto the beach at 9 a.m. without our families setting up an intervention. OK, so in some states, we can't bring a cooler out. But we can hide a cooler in the sand or fill a sunscreen bottle with whiskey.
7. Bro-wear is basically considered formal. Are we going to the club? Are we going out to dinner? Are we hanging out? Are we staying on the beach? It doesn't matter, because we're going to wear shorts and flip-flops no matter what. Beach towns have their dress codes together. We can wear tank tops, pinnies, and sunglasses. Basically, bro-wear 24/7.
8. No one is going to make us feel bad if we order a piña colada. If you're on vacation, you're allowed to order a bright blue tropical drink. This is the only time.
9. We can pee in the ocean. One of the great things about being a guy is being able to pee anywhere. Even in the ocean, just, like, whenever. Well, as long as we're submerged below the waist.
10. We can play bro sports in the water and act like we're way better athletes than we really are. This one deserves its own mention because we can take all our regular bro sports and play them in the ocean and do ridiculous dives to catch footballs, etc. This never gets old. The only reason guys stop playing catch in the ocean is when their body betrays them and they are physically unable to do so.
11. Despite the heat, our junk is comfortable. We're probably just wearing a single layer, and we have the added benefit of being able to dip our balls in the water. Beach days are the only days our junk isn't a sweaty mess.
12. We look like the Terminator in our sunglasses. It's tough to look bad in sunglasses. Most guys are pretty OK with getting to wear them all day. Because they look badass.