1. So when you say "couples costume" do you mean you want to go pick out our outfits at the same time, or do you want us to actually pick costumes that complement each other?
2. Wait, is this going to be one of those costumes where we have to stand next to each other all night or it won't make sense? I don't want to be a plug and a socket, because if I'm hanging out at the keg by myself, I'm just a plug, and that is an awful costume. What do you mean, "Why would I be the plug?" It's symbolic. Of … my penis. That's the whole point. OK, great, we can cross that idea off the list.
3. Can we be something cool? I'm not saying no to a couples costume. I'm saying no to a couples costume that everyone will make fun of me for.
4. Oh, we have different definitions of "cool." I know I'm already striking Optimus Prime and Bumblee off the list, even though that's the most romantic costume possible.
5. Can't we be like … Cinderella and Iron Man? Listen, Disney bought Marvel so it's entirely possible this will be a movie in the future.
6. Fine, fine. We'll do an actual couples costume. Yeah, sure. We can do Kim and Kanye. What about, and hear me out on this, zombie Kim and Kanye.
7. NO, I DON'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS THE MAIN CHARACTERS FROM GONE GIRL. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP?
8. Why are you mad at me for not wanting to dress up like an asshole? What does that mean? How is this in any way indicative of our relationship?
9. OK, we can do a couples costume as long as I don't have to put a lot of effort into it. That's my one caveat. It's one thing dressing up like an idiot. It's a whole other thing putting effort into dressing like an idiot.
10. If my half of the costume could incorporate a gun, that would be pretty cool. Maybe even a sword. I'd settle for a sword. I guess anything I can hurt people with.
11. So our options are either Mickey and Minnie Mouse or two pumpkins? I don't even care anymore. I'm dead inside. As long as we go somewhere with lots of beer.
12. Wait, can I be a pumpkin with a gun?
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.