"Talk to dirty to me" is the rare request that can simultaneously cause guys boners and panic attacks. Everyone defines "dirty talk" differently and overstepping your boundaries or completely underwhelming are both real concerns. What should we call your vagina?! There are a lot of clarifications that need to be made.
1. OK, this is going to be great.
Dirty talk is so sexy in porn. I'm gonna Marvin Gaye it up in here.
2. That sounded better in my head.
I'm realizing now that dirty talk is sexy specifically when I don't hear myself saying it. I do not have a voice like Marvin Gaye.
3. Do you want, like, actual dirty talk or just kind of dirty talk.
This is like when you say you want it rough but you really just want it faster. I feel like if I go full-on dirty talk, you'll just get offended.
4. Should I tell, like, a dirty story, or do you just want dirty commentary?
I don't know if you want me to live in the moment and let you know the sex stuff we're doing, or just talk about sexy things.
5. I should probably clear this with you now: Are there any words I might say that will make you go, "Ew. Gross. I hate that word?"
Oooh yeah, so moist. What?!
6. "Oh, yeah, you like that?" *five minutes pass* "Oh, yeah, you like that?" *five minutes pass* "Oh, yeah, you like that?"
The question is rhetorical, by the way.
7. I'm sorry, I didn't know "I love when your boobs bounce up and down" would make you self-conscious.
From now on, I'll just say, "I like your boobs" but that comes off as super creepy, I think. "Great boobs." Maybe just "Boobs."
8. Wait, you're going to talk dirty back, right?
This is really amounting to a very one-sided conversation right now. I feel like I'm back in fourth grade stumbling through an awkward presentation while the rest of the class just stares. Except this time I'm naked and talking about penises.
9. WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YOU FEEL WEIRD SAYING STUFF?"
I didn't know that was an option when I was asked to talk dirty.
10. Just say something nice about my penis.
Compliment it. All right, did you just say, "I like your penis"? That's so noncommittal. You need to love my penis; you can't just like it as a friend. Also, please use any word other than penis. I guess "wiener" and "dong" are on that list too.
11. Yeah, awkward, right?
It is literally just the two of us. I'm not going to laugh. Just say something that doesn't sound like a doctor trying to explain sex to a 9-year-old.
12. OK, I was not expecting that and neither was my penis.
Aaaaaaaaaand I'm done. That was literally the dirtiest thing I've ever heard you say and I don't know what it says about me that I finished.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.